Long Time Eh? Soooooooo...

Trump is the doctor assisted suicide of Presidents. These are historic times we live in mutherfuckers. If we make it through this shit intact, it will be in spite of the Idiot-In-Chief. He couldn't be more incompetent if he were a  Saturday Night Live skit. So anywho, what the fuck are you all doing with your newly found free time? Me? Oh, I'm actually working. Ha! No shit. I will tell you what though, when I get some free time, Imma go get started on a bunker on the Okanogan Property. When I'm not working on my bunker or working for a living, I'm living it up at the Clover Valley Headquarters with my Bestie Tara. Oh man is she sexy. Young too. I'm just biding my time until she hits rock bottom, then...Valerie is downstairs on an air mattress. Frank is in the downstairs bedroom. No music is being made at the moment. Sad....On  a brighter note, Summer is just around the corner! The Mustang is almost done and I have my eyes on another. I miss Kayla. I miss Obama...

WTF?! Is Branden even Baked? Read below to Find The Fuck Out....

Well well, what have we here? A fresh new post, post respite, I suppose. Me? Oh, I've been fighting the good fight, pursuing revenge to an unhealthy level, chasing demons, pussy, and of course, the dragon. I've managed to stay out of trouble. No. Nope. Haven't done that exactly. I've managed to stay under the radar, participating in the usual amount of trouble. No cops in my life, knock on wood. Since last we spoke, I have lost the girl, had the girl return, ravished the girl(to prove a point), then banished the girl. Now, I am at peace with the(much heavier) girl just being a friend. I had a tattoo installed on my calf, had another one updated, and had my first one refreshed. I have the studio running and have been using it regularly. My dog died😢. I have resisted the urge to get a new one. I am enjoying the freedom from responsibility. I now have a troop of rabbits that live under my shed. They are eating my landscaping, but are an asset to the yard overall. I've nearly completed my side-yard project which includes a new deck and a water feature. I have had a new roommate for a year this month. She is a peach, and we share many passions, well, dope. My old roommate Dave Pettit Garcia, got shot in the face and murdered. RIP Dave. I miss you buddy. Frankie is doing well, living on a couch in East Brem. And finally, the 900 lb. gorilla in the room, Donald Fucking Trump. As with Baby Bush, I fear he will be re-elected. I hate what this cuntry has become. This cunt is running game on us you fucktards! The Republicans are a joke, and the joke is on us. I'm not even going to waste my typing trying to motivate anyone to vote Democrat. You either get it, or you suck. I will hope for the best and plan for the worst. Btw, you might want to grab some ice or snow and sock it away in your freezer so the grandkids will have some idea what things were like in the past.
Revolution and titties motherfuckers-



P.S. How 'bout them M's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Micro is the new Awesome super-fun to completion.

Micro. Seems simple enough. Small. Little. Tiny. Yet somehow, these synonyms do not convey the whole story. Microbrews are not designated driver drinks served in a thimble sized frosty mug. They are hand crafted, exquisitely rendered small batch masterpieces, which somehow absolve you of the lable drunk mother fucker. A microcosm is more than just a shrunken cosmos. It is a perfectly sublime example of a complex system in an easy to digest analogy. Micromanagement is the art of losing the forest for the trees. Yet micro is also an apt descriptor when I think of my own self image at this crucial crossroads that my life has stopped at. Look left. I see fresh new pavement. Perfectly drawn lines. Sensuous curves, not too sharp, roll away in the distance. Look right. Straight. Flat. Lonely. Behind me, my road I've known for years. Bumpy? Sure. Some fucking nightmare potholes too Brah. The road I've traveled to get here. Finally, I could go straight ahead. May be some trouble up around the bend. For sure, some nasty fender benders that I will have to take care of. My heart says stay the course. Work out the kinks as they come. My mind, which is tired of my heart getting its way, says hang a left and lick that route from stem to stern. Revel in that smooth tight fresh road and never look back........................................................

Butcher Babies Win BBaked Award for Rock Costume

Daddy Like...

I'm done pouting...On with life.

So I found this delightful little angel, and she is good. Let the record show that I found her first. I am trying to be more positive and this is the beginning of my balls to the wall positivity. You've been warned!



In other news:
Happy murder the injuns day! I'm eating at Sherry's with my roommate and my girl. Hawks are definatley heating up! Dawgs are still in it. Need to beat Wazzu! The weather sucks. A trip to Arizona is in my near future. The house is slowly conforming to my vision. My evil plan for world domination is coming together beautifully! Muha ha ha ha ha ha ha a a a a a!

Happy Halloween

I cannot wait for this fucking election to be over. So tired of all of the lemmings following their blow-hard, ass-hole, dog-haired, liar of a presidential candidate around like beggars at a coin show. Fuck you Trump. And fuck you Trump followers. So sick of you. Go away mad. Anywho, I remastered an oldie but a goodie for All Hallows Eve. Here ya go...

P.S. HOW ABOUT MY MUTHERFUCKING DAWGS BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Storm Of The Century (Trump's Upset)

Soooooo many things to blog about! First order of business, my Washington Huskies! They hung 70 on the Webfoots of Oregon. Somehow we got even for 12 years of frustration in one Saturday afternoon. Excuse me Ducks, I'm just gonna use your beak as a stepping stone, I'll put my foot right here, sorry, that's it, perfect. Thanks. We now have a clear path to the playoffs. Second order of business. This storm. Started earlier today, and is predicted to wipe humanity off of the planet, or at least cause some flooding. Third order of business. The Seahawks. Bye week is over. Everybody is well rested, and a tough Atlanta Falcons team is coming in to play this weekend. I like our chances. Jimmy Grahm has 100 yards in each of the last two games, so, let's keep that streak going. Finally, and surely least, The Trumpleupppagus is vewy upset that the mean weporters are all wighting mean stuff about him. He is so disadvantaged! Just because a pushy, my-way-or-the-highway kind of guy grabbed a couple of women by the pussy, then bragged about it on tape, bragged about it on Howard Stern, bragged about it to anyone who would listen, doesn't mean that it really happened that way. No, no, it was more like this: These women were about to fall, and Trumpy saved them by catching them by the inner-inner-inner thigh, cause it all happened so damned fast. Now everyone wants to spin it to make Trumproast look like a bad, bad, man. It's all very unfair. You know what? I'm gonna drop the gratuitous sarcasm and just be real for a minute. You dig? Here goes. Trump is a bully. Plain and simple. He bullies anyone he can get away with. When he gets grabby with women, he is really just trying to dominate. He is a punk bitch. Sexual predators are the lowest of the low. I'd like to see him bully me. He is not fit to lead anything, let alone this country at this crucial time. I hope all of my many, many readers that accidentally clicked on my blog while looking for 90210 style cooking tips, will do their civic duty and vote for Hillary Clinton on November 8th, and show the world that we're not all camouflage wearing, fat, uneducated, racists that watch NASCAR and shop at Walmart. PLEASE! Put down the Dew and Vote! In other news: Living room is painted, now working on the trim. Got my hard drive caddy for the laptop, now I need an SSD. Came in second in the first poker game of the year, congrats to Smackpaka. Got my LLC paperwork done, just need the 200 bones to file. Val is going to stay with her sister tomorrow for a while. We are still going strong, it's kind of a please-the-family kind of thing. I need to step up my game in the daily work dept. Chelsea has a chaweeny that is awesome, thinking about a puppy. That's all the news I choose for yous to chews. Until next time....Peace and Hillary, Not Trumpian Chaos.

Check this out...Rocktoberfest is upon us!

I found this dude on Youtube tonight. I was looking at videos on drum tuning. Turns out, he knows fucking everything in the world about music. I am very impressed with his knowledge. I am very grateful he decided to share. Check it out and subscribe and you will be a better you.
Rick Beato
In other news: My girl moved in. My LLC is going from my mind to your world. My face is 80% face and 20% 'fection. My M's are going to break my heart yet again, which is better than third place. My Dawgs are for-fucking-real. My Hawks are still unproven. My Sonics are still missing you fucking nazis. My mom is on the mend. I can pick my own brothers. My truck flames look like black gumby's. My yard is getting there. The weather has been cooperating. G is down the road and D is in the club. Shit has been good man, real good. For such a shitty summer weather-wise, it's been great, life-wise. That's all the news I choose for yous to chews. Later.

Well into August and still no Interweb....

At the Clover Valley World Headquarters. I'll tell you, despite the obvious financial snafus, I am definitely on the mend. I've been spending time with my favorite girl! Now, I'm not gonna try and say I understand the workings of this most mysterious female's most mysterious mind, but it would appear, to my limited observational skills, that she is into me again. Maybe she is, maybe I'm delusional, either way, I'm gonna go with the flow and enjoy the moment and let the deets fall where they may. I spent the whole day today, and several hours last night working on a song. It's a story about a drug-obsessed entrepreneur, who just wants to marry great service and low prices with the black market drug trade. Now, I've been known to sling a bit, back in 2013, but any reference to illegal activities is either fiction or history. With that disclaimer, I give you this:














Be kind when critiquing my work. I donate all the moneys to BALPAC. For this and other Indi-gems, check out my soundclown page HERE
Also:Upper 90's try to save this shitty ass summer. M's are making a show of trying to get into the playoffs...We'll see if they have the juice. Hawks are looking like the shit yet again. We will be deep into the playoffs if not the big one. Dawgs are ranked 7th by SI!!! Have two of seven panels done on the new fence. The shop is 90% done. Almost done with the headliner on my truck. The bed of the truck is done, painted on liner and truck box. HotTub is on the ground, 30 feet from it's final destination. The studio is stone cold pimpin'. Too many improvements to mention in a news feed, stay tuned for an in depth report. For more Branden than you can shake your tits at, follow my Instagram @brandenhuff. That's all the news that's fit to spit...Peace and #DumpTrump

Shhhhhhhhhhh! Valerie is sleeping!

Guess where I am. Evil Val's lair. Ha ha ha! Came over to deliver some of my special sauce. I'm never too far from her thoughts, and as you all know, I'm pretty well sprung on her. Not that I don't do just fine without her, cause I do. But, in a perfect circle, she's my girl. Now I'm all up in her business! Ha! I have been hella busy. Working for Petit. Doing my thing. Building a fence in the front yard. Battling those fucking moles. Built custom speaker boxes for my truck. Moving all of my shit out of the office and garage. Eating Birthday Cake Ice Cream and milk. Taking care of my fucked off face infection. Cloning my favorite plant, and considering an attempt at breeding my own strain of Purple Blaze. Not too sure about all of the details, but when has that stopped me? I have finally got my own P.A.! First, I bought some Peavey PR12's from the pawn shop for 25 bucks. They were priced at $50.00 because they didn't work. I offered $25.00 and they said sure, then helped me carry 'em out to the truck. Got em home, and one worked fine, the other, nothing. Soooooo, I took the plate off of the back, and, low and behold, the wires were unhooked. So, I hooked em back up, and, TA-DA! P, mutherfucking A! Next, I went to Guitar Center and grabbed a Behringer 502 Xenyx mixer. Got it home and discovered that it had no FX send and return, the phantom power is only 15 volts, o today, I will be trading that shit in for a 1204 Xenyx mixer and my shit will be so fucking squared away you could measure it corner to corner both ways and it will be within a mutherfucking 64th of a mutherfucking inch. Anywho, after the mixer, my signal goes into a Peavey Classic 120 tube amp. From there to the speakers we spoke of already. I'm using some shitty mic that I've been carting around for years and years. Probably need to upgrade that shit to a Shure SM58. FX is an area that is pretty much whack. Yeah, I just used "whack". Fuck you, I do what I want. I need to get some fucking phaser on my earth-bound voice and launch that shit into orbit. Stoner Rawk is just not quite right with dry vox. I don't make the rules, but if I did, FX on the vocal track would be non-negotiable. When I close my eyes, I see black and pink fractal light shows in the shape of a guitar and half-stack.

This is the bullshit I'm currently suffering through.(The struggle is real!!!!)

This is the upgrade I will be employing today, to make my shit KICK-ASS!


















As you can see from my words and pictures, life is being lived, and the only reason you are not hearing about it more often is because my interweb situation is about as fucked up as Donald Trump and his daughter giving each other "back rubs" after a long day of lying. That is about all for now, but remember, time is a finite resource...Treat it as such.

I'll Blog When I Can...

When I can't, I'll just pray to sweet baby Jesus. My Interweb is off. Why? In the existential meaning, who knows? In the literal, cause we didn't pay the mutherfucking bill yo. Money is tight. Decisions had to be made. Don't you worry your pretty little head though, Branden has got a few hustles in the works. I'm about to pick up Katy and go to a S.M.A.R.T. recovery meeting. What is smart recovery you ask? No you did not. Who the hell is Katy is what you were wondering? Well, let me say "none of your beeswax". I'm not sure exactly. I hope to know more after this fine evening. The weather is not sure if it's crappy or happy. M's are doing just fine. Won today against the O's 7-2. That makes us 23-17, first fucking place. MmHmmmm. First series loss at home by the O's. M's are for real. Katy is a peach. I met her at rehab. She made rehab fun. Yes, I like her a lot. Yes like that. Well, I don't know. I think so, but I will let her decide for herself. No, I don't kiss and tell. Hahaha. Yes, I do. Get this, she is a singer. I know. She could be "the one". We will definitely let her lay down some vox. So, I gotta go live this shit before I have anything to blog about...Later peeps.

Happy Mother's Day...

I am so balanced you couldn't knock me over with a bulldozer. Feeling super groovy. M's lost. Still, they are 18-13, first place...I ain't complaining. Been jammin my guitar hella. Been playing Days of the New and Gruntruck in the truck. Gotta go BBQ with Mom. BBQ'd with Valerie then went and had a beer with Frizzo, then went and had a beer with Pam. Balance. Busy. Time to get to work on all my little plans for taking over the world. Muhahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Another Unfinished Ditty...

So this puppy needs a lot of work but I'm diggin on the Days Of The New style acoustic work. I have a female singer coming here later this month. Perhaps she can give this the happy ending it deserves.

Instagram and other musings....

So. After suffering through a couple of years of Facebook, I finally gave Instagram a try. Holy shit. That's Branden's kind of jam. No talk all action. Oh man, let a girl have a camera and an audience and look the fuck out. Art. Boobs. Thighs. Booooooootaaaay! Me? Oh, well, I have been doing some recording. Nothing too ambitious. Maybe I'll lay a taste on you if you promise not to ridicule my work. Was not going for a song. Just working out the kinks in the studio gear.....

A Wise Man Once Said....

"Let those in glass chongers get the most stoned". These chicks rippin' down dabs that would make a grow man shudder. Plus they have boobs. How the fuck am I supposed to compete with that? New Deftones video....Not crazy about the song....The video is right up my alley though:



I played music all fucking day today. Tuesday. Yeah. At this moment. Right now. Life rocks. Mine at least. Thinking about a burger. Cheese burger. No Fucking Onion. Damn. It didn't work. Guess I will have to go get it. Peace Peeps!

P.S. I realize I have yet to cover the Trumphuck situation that we find ourselves in this fine Presidential Election Year. I will. I have given it much thought, and I feel the need to tell you fools what to think....So stay tuned....And don't vote until you've read the Brandensbaked Guide to Presidential Election Politics 2016.

You're Gonna Have A New Year

Weather you like it or not. Mine is going to be spectacular.  I took my friend Tiffany out last night....Wait for it....Yes, I said my friend.  No sexist descriptions of her lady-parts.  Although, she is beautiful. The only thing I penetrated was my need for a deeper connection than the superficial.  We went for sushi, to a lame AA dance, and then down to the water to watch the Space Needle go off.  I didn't want to sit here and trip out on the bitch who's name we shall no longer write in this sacred space.  Considering I spent last New Year in the cross bars motel, this was a big step up.  So, to review, in 2014 I got my teeth fixed, got my hernias repaired, got my real estate license, I moved back into World Headquarters at Clover Valley.  I sold my dads house.  That's a pretty damn big list of accomplishments.  What's in store for 2015?  My number one goal is to graduate from drug court.  I'm on track to pull this off on April 25.  My number two goal....Get yoked.  Super yoked.  My third goal, is to purchase the equipment to complete my music scene.  Cymbals, cymbal stands, Pod for guitar fx, and a P.A.  Being happy goes without saying.  I have some other mountains to climb, but they don't require the constant focus of the big three.  The weather today?  Awesome.  Cold.  Clear.  Just like my mind.  The world?  Uber fucked.  Sports?  Everything is breaking my way.  112 days of bondage....Peace.

Mmmmmm. Tasty Weekend Yo.

Arizona has had a great year.  That being said, move the fuck over so my Seahawks can get some of that spotlight.  I am salivating waiting for this Sunday.  Gonna take over first place.  I love the thought of the other NFC contenders looking over their back only to see the Hawks charging.  We are on a collision course with the New England Patriots.  You mad bro?  Christmas party tonight...Taking Tiff....Healing up nicely.  125 days of bondage.  Peace.

All Up In My Grill

Sooooo, I had to take a break from the vagicide I've been committing on CrazyChick01.  My advanced relationship sensors alerted me to the fact that by utterly destroying this pussy, I may be unintentionally creating "feelings" in the rubble.  These feelings, while useful as motivation to follow my every perverted, deviant sexual fantasy, could come back to haunt me.  A woman scorned is a DANGEROUS adversary.  I'm fearless, not stupid.  Okay, I am stupid, but I'm not crazy...Okay, maybe a little crazy, but I'm definitely not suicidal. Yeah.  Not suicidal.  A glutton for punishment, but I want to live damn it!!!  I cannot believe how many good years I wasted on that fucking cunt, Valerie.  Remember how much fun we used to have dippin the wick all over this great country?  Good times...Koch Un Bolls 2015...The shoot out resumes....

How To Pick Up Women....

My favorite way?  Pull the truck over and ask 'em if they need a ride.

 Works best when it's cold out and they are carrying a garbage bag full of clothes.  Sooooo, any who, that's what I did Saturday.  Dropped off crazy chick #1, went to an AA meeting full of dudes, then I picked up crazy chick #2.  Today my life is 2/3rd full of crazy chicks.  That ends up being more than the USDA recommended daily allowance.  I can handle it yo.  In other news....Dawgs got beat....Hawks pull it out in the 4th quarter....Polar vortex bearing down on the Clover Valley....Won my 3rd game in Fantasy Football.....New Pink Floyd dropped....165 Days left of bondage....Brandensbaked has left the building.

Hawks get healthy and I get laid...

Well, it was ugly.  That statement is true for the Seahawks and for me and Valerie.  We both realized it was time for rededicating ourselves to the fundamentals.  The Seahawks and I, not Valerie.  So, the Hawks got back to the run, and I got back to hitting on any girl I like, knowing the numbers would favor me sooner or later.  Oh, sure, I struck out a few times before I made solid contact(baseball analogies work better for chick stories), but eventually I drove one out of the park.  Is she crazy?  Bat shit.  Does that make for better sex?  You better believe it.  Do I ask too many rhetorical questions?  Probably. Will I please stop?  For now.  In other news, my Dawgs got beat again.  My fantasy football team got tuned up big time.  In cooking news, I made a chorizo and cheese omelet that was fucking awesome.  Sometimes you gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet. Actually every time. Without eggs it's something else entirely.  Any who, in da weather, last night was a hella wind storm. Lightning and rain and power outages.  Oh my!  Today was a nice October day, sunny and 60*.  Kind of like my betty situation, yesterday was crap, today sunny.  Life is like that.  AA zombies will tell you that's God in action.  Bullshit. Brandensbaked will tell you that your brain has been fine tuned over millions of years to look for patterns, so patterns are what you see.  Who is right?  I guess there's no way to tell until you die, and there in lies the rub. At least with my theory you get to stay off of your knees.  I suggest you think it through and make up your own fucking mind you God damned lemming.  Peace and titties fools.