Happy Mother's Day...

I am so balanced you couldn't knock me over with a bulldozer. Feeling super groovy. M's lost. Still, they are 18-13, first place...I ain't complaining. Been jammin my guitar hella. Been playing Days of the New and Gruntruck in the truck. Gotta go BBQ with Mom. BBQ'd with Valerie then went and had a beer with Frizzo, then went and had a beer with Pam. Balance. Busy. Time to get to work on all my little plans for taking over the world. Muhahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Hawks get healthy and I get laid...

Well, it was ugly.  That statement is true for the Seahawks and for me and Valerie.  We both realized it was time for rededicating ourselves to the fundamentals.  The Seahawks and I, not Valerie.  So, the Hawks got back to the run, and I got back to hitting on any girl I like, knowing the numbers would favor me sooner or later.  Oh, sure, I struck out a few times before I made solid contact(baseball analogies work better for chick stories), but eventually I drove one out of the park.  Is she crazy?  Bat shit.  Does that make for better sex?  You better believe it.  Do I ask too many rhetorical questions?  Probably. Will I please stop?  For now.  In other news, my Dawgs got beat again.  My fantasy football team got tuned up big time.  In cooking news, I made a chorizo and cheese omelet that was fucking awesome.  Sometimes you gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet. Actually every time. Without eggs it's something else entirely.  Any who, in da weather, last night was a hella wind storm. Lightning and rain and power outages.  Oh my!  Today was a nice October day, sunny and 60*.  Kind of like my betty situation, yesterday was crap, today sunny.  Life is like that.  AA zombies will tell you that's God in action.  Bullshit. Brandensbaked will tell you that your brain has been fine tuned over millions of years to look for patterns, so patterns are what you see.  Who is right?  I guess there's no way to tell until you die, and there in lies the rub. At least with my theory you get to stay off of your knees.  I suggest you think it through and make up your own fucking mind you God damned lemming.  Peace and titties fools.

Remember The End Of The World....

That never showed....12-12-12?  Better late than never eh?  As the new Ebola infections reach 10000 per week, that post-apocalyptic wasteland we were promised is closer than ever!  Time to dust off the bio suit and re-stock the bomb shelter with top ramen.  I like a half of a cup of frozen corn and a scrambled egg dropped in my ramen to make a fun and easy meal for around 1 dollar. I am also accepting applications for breeders to help create the workforce we will need to rebuild.  You know I like to keep a positive attitude, so here are some benefits to the coming pandemic....The weight I've gained looks like a survival strategy.  The population retraction will reduce greenhouse gasses.  I won't have to go to those fucking AA meetings.  My crappy credit score won't matter.  And finally, the best reason to embrace the Ebola epidemic? The fall of the corporate elite and the destruction of their lackeys, our shitty government!  Check back often for survival tips and all the news that's fit to spit.

Hawks eclipse Washington

Russel Wilson is da shiiit yo.  The Hawks did what they were supposed to.  Saturday was the craziest fucking day of college football evah!  Loved seeing Sark get his dreams crushed. Yeah, I'm fucking petty...So sue me.  Got my ass handed to me in stupid-assed-fantasy-fagball.  Hmmm. I just used "ass" and "fag" in the same sentence and nobody got violated.  Except my fantasy football dreams, they got turned out.  The weather here is dreamy. Another kick-ass foggy morning, sunny afternoon.  Brace yourself....The rain's a comin'.  Alerievae is totally being an Untcae.  An all too common recurring phenomena.  My Southwest Chipoltle Chili turned out perfect!  All the homies were diggin it at the Monday Night Football sausage party.  I need cymbals for my drum set.  Lunar eclipse tonight. You have been updated. BDawg has left the building.......198 days 'til I'm back.

I’ll Admit That I…

Fucking Rawk Out With My Crock Out!  Yes folks, time for another installment of: Cooking with Brandensbaked!  Today, we’re going to learn how to prepare one of my all time favorite delicacies…  Maple and brown sugar oatmeal!  All right, I am so excited to share this wonderful dish.  It is such a comfort food, you can really brighten someone's day, ya know, if say they found out they had cancer, or maybe their kitty cat was mauled by a pit bull and had to be put down. Anyway, let’s gather up our equipment and ingredients. First you need a good sturdy ceramic bowl, around three cups. Next, you’ll need a spoon. I like to use one of the ones in my drawer, but you can grab one off the floor if you have to. The next item on our equipment list, a measuring cup. The final piece of cooking gear, you guessed it, the microwave! Now for the ingredients. First off, one or two packets of maple and brown sugar flavored instant oatmeal. I like Quaker but you can use the store brand if your a tight ass mutherfucker, it’s up to you. Next is good old H2O, or as it’s better known, water! I like to see the look of confusion on peoples faces when I use the chemical term, they think I’m some kind of scientist or a teacher or something. Then when I tell them it’s just a fancy word for water, they’re like, whoa. So, moving on. Pour the packet or packets of instant oatmeal into the microwave safe bowl. Next, measure some of the aqua, or water, and pour that in the bowl also. Now here’s a little secret. If you like it runny, add a tich more water, or for thicker oatmeal, a little less water.  Put the mixture into the microwave, and set it for 1-2 minutes on high. This time will vary according to the wattage of the microwave.  When it’s done, pull it out, and set it on the counter. Next, were gonna  add about a quarter cup of 2% milk. You should substitute non-fat if you’re feet are hidden from you’re view when you look down. The final ingredient is golden brown sugar. Sweeten to taste, and, voila! Enjoy yourself, or brighten someone else's day!  In other news: I’ve changed the font of the blog to Franklin Gothic Heavy, to symbolize my solidarity with Frankie Fingers who is currently being held prisoner by the state of Idaho. Please, if you know the governor of Idaho, or have any kind of political influence, or if you know something that could be used to blackmail the governor, write us here at the blog so that we may get Frank out of prison, and back here playing drums with me.  In sports, Tim Tebow led the Denver Broncos to an overtime victory over the hated Pittsburg Steelers, thus proving everyone wrong. Time after time Tim trashes conventional wisdom, much like the author of this blog. The blog the so called experts would never get past the first year. Well guess what? I’m still here, and some of those experts have died. So ha ha ha ha. Who’s laughing now? Dead people? Nope. Me. Also, the twitter was tweeting that the M’s are not in the hunt for Prince. That sucks. In weather, it’s clear and cold here, please look outside to see the weather where you are. In consumer news, my friend has some bad ass weed for sale. In music, Supercell put up some new songs on their website so check it out. In romance, I am still the world’s most eligible bachelor, so lock up your daughter, lock up your wife, lock up your back door, run for your life.  Okay world, that’s all the news you need, this has been brandensbaked reporting…Goodnight.