Hurricane Brandensbaked

Sorry it seems like I've been ignoring you mutherfuckers. In order to have the great material for this blog-o-mine, I first have to go out and live it. Then I have to let my brain cells regenerate, organize the information, and tell the story in an informative, yet entertaining manner. We have just passed the regeneration stage...Stay tuned. Peace and titties.

Today's Record

Just about ready to hit the road to Bridgewood. Beat X today 13-0. First time he's ever been shut out. See ya at Scarlet's after the show.
B

K I'm Home Early

So I'm at da club right? I see silver, who is the finest girl anywhere, anyhow. O.K. maybe viciouspuddin is finer, but honestly I have never met her in person. So Silver, me and her go back a couple of years. She wants me to come to her house and do what I do like only I can. So I am on cloud BONER!!!! But as far as tonight, I go home with the guys. X, who is usually very polite, starts off 12-0 in a game of Madden 2006. Well he is so full of himself, he forgets that I am the all time champ master winner stud. So I go ahead 13-12 in the third quarter, then I began a very unsportsmanlike session of giving him da business good, K? I hog the ball the whole fourth quarter, then kick a "fuck you dude" field goal as time expires. brandensbaked 16, X 12. So now you can go to bed. We got big plans tomarrow, SKIDMORE at the Brightwood Tavern in Bridgewood. All the people in the know, they know, ya know? Mary St. Claire is MIA:(

I Am In Portland!

Headed down to the Safari! Yeeeeaaaaaaaah!!!!

Fact Filled Fucking Post

This morning on my way to work I spotted this dude hacking away at his hedge. On the surface, not very metal. However, this particular dude happened to be in long black pants and a black leather jacket. Yardwork in leather is very metal. *When I say metal, I'm simultaneously making devil horns with my right hand*
Remember Butter? Yeah, stop it. Now and forever they shall be known as SKIDMORE They will be LIVE! Saturday at a bar called Brightwood Tavern in the town of Bridgewood. All the people who said "say that ten times fast", should go in their bathroom and shoot themselves in the head. Repeat if necessary. Anyway, Brightwood Tavern is located at 63010 E Brightwood, Bridgewood, OR 97011 Their phone # is (503) 622-4719. Tickets can be purchased at the door, but ladies bring your knee-pads and lip-gloss just in case. SKIDMORE is a pleasant blend of styles, think Santana, Rush, and 2LO. I haven't heard their singer yet, but if he is anything like me, he kicks ass.
Friday night I will be at the Safari with my favorite strippers, Namely, one Mary St. Clare. Cold Coronas, shots of 1800, and titties. That is all I need to say about that. Word.
BooRippinRadly is off to Vegas for the weekend. Hmmm, I wonder which of us will have the better time. The smart money is on brandensbaked, cause that mutherfucker is dialed in. Word.
Well I'm off to clean up my Explorer. Explorer, Safari, hilarious. My life is a fucking riot.


The Banner Jump LIVE!
September 27 @ Rebar in Seattle.
October 8 @ Hansen's in Bremerton.
October 21 @ J.A. Michaels in Port Orchard.

New Show Added!

The Banner Jump will be appearing LIVE!! at Hansens in Bremerton on Saturday October 8th.
Yes, our hot bassplayer will be there. Will you?
Will the guy in the white baseball hat be there?
I guess you'll just have to show up and find the answers yourself. Former Supercell bassman 2Lo will be taking his new band Butter off of some sweet jumps this Saturday, September 24 in the Mt. Hood, Oregon area. X was too weak to type the details in an unsent email, so we'll nail down the particulars in tomarrow's fact-filled post. Stay tuned. Peace and Titties Mutherfuckers.
brandensbaked has left the building.

KGB Picked Up By Local Authorities

This KGB cell was picked up Saturday night by local authorities and taken to an undisclosed location for interrogation. "Yeah, we will burn these fuckers with a lighter to get what we want. It's a post 9/11 world", stated a high official who wished to remain anonymous. This may not be the only cell in our area. Citizens should not try to apprehend KGB themselves, but should call an expert for capture and disposal, uh, interrogation.

Madden 2005 Final Notes

What a great Saturday! I finally whipped X at Madden 2005. That game will now be retired, and I'll purchase 2006. Stopped him short as time expired. Classic.
The Dawgs sodomized the Vandals. Now I like the state of Idaho, but business is business. Please let this be the start of a rampaging fire island football trend .
The Wolves destroyed the Roughriders of Port Angeles. Now, I was born in P.A. but as I stated before, it's business. It's also football. It's the business of playing football. Way to go fuckers.
If the Shehawks can pull a win out of their ass, we will be back on track. I will not hold my breath.
If I can find a bag of KGB, all will be right in the world.
Thinking about a trip to P-Town next weekend. Dude I know, it's been too fucking long. Life is too short, I've got to keep my priorities straight. Mmmmmmm, I miss you Mary St. Claire.
CLICK HERE FOR THE BANNER JUMP MP3S!!!!!
P.S. This post has an extraordinary number of references that may be construed as "gay". We here at brandensbaked have always thought of pussy as God(titties are angels), and will continue to worship at the "Y". A high number of man on man sex analogies is only a poopy coincidence.

Listen and Repeat

The Banner Jump Free Downloads!!!
You like music? Well, do you punk?
The new joint from The Jump.
Fucking free kick ass music.
Get it while it's hot. Drop it on your friends.
Tell 'em brandensbaked sent ya.
Now get outa here before I change my mind.

Friday's blatherings

Well, it finally rained. Yeah. The good Lord blessed us with rain for our parched earth. I don't have any guerilla gardens this year, so no big deal either way. It's been dry as hell in Pot Orchard. Maybe all the dealers donated their weed to the victims of hurricane Bush. I'll bet they did.
Been smokin' da kief, good for the head but hard on the lungs. The Daily Show special report, "Evolution Smevolution" was a bit of a dud in my opinion. I would have preferred more current events. The Shehawks play the Falcons Sunday, I predict a win for one of them. Dawgs and Idaho, no you da ho, come on Dawgs suck it up! South Kitsap is 0-2. My football world has been turned upside down. Damn you Bush, I don't know how you're doing it, but I know you're involved somehow. Where the hell is the new Tool album?

Hump Day- Oh Yeah!

It's Wednesday again. Sometimes it seems like there is one every week. I don't know maybe there is.
My peeps and I are playing the USA Today Pigskin Picks game and I am firmly entrenched in last place. One hundred bucks per, winner takes all. Perhaps I'm playin' possum. Or, maybe just a tough week to pick winners. I'll report and decide.
Jon Stewart is examining the debate over evolution/intelligent design all week on The Daily Show. You want my opinion? Tough shit, you're getting it anyway. It seems the conservatives are all fucking retarded, so putting the word "intelligent" in any conservative theory is an oxymoron. Maybe they would consider renaming said theory to "Retarded Slobberings of Holy Rollers Looking for Hugs". At least I could laugh at that.
Lunch is over, back to the project...
B.

Finally, Some Good News

U.S. District Judge James Robart(what a stand-up guy) yesterday declared Seattle's 17-year moratorium on processing new strip-club applications illegal and blasted the city for "selectively" upholding the First Amendment.
"Try to be more like P-town, you miserable fucks!" brandensbaked yelled from behind Judge Robart. "They make us drink overpriced non-alcoholic girly man drinks too", brandensbaked sneered. "Tell 'em to sell beer like P-town, or you'll make every titty bar a monorail stop", brandensbaked suggested.

Somebody call 9-1-1

Well, the more things change, the more they stay the same. He's the egg man. He's the walrus. Koo koo ka choo. Mike Holmgren wallows in mediocrity. If you take one more positive out of a loss, I'm gonna take a fucking hostage.
Bush, Cheney, and all them fat cat fuckers are using Katrina just like they used 9/11 and Iraq, to line the pockets of the fucking fascist elite. George, your fucking bitch mother has got, I say, has got to be a tranny. The calves on that bitch, I mean fuuuuuuuck. Was it her tender mothering that made you so fucking incompetent? Did she slip you the finger or what? Fuck all you Bush fucking fucks. Fuck you Holmgren. Go fuck yourself Cheney. I feel better now.

The Banner Jump: Live!

September 27, 2005- Rebar in Seattle.
October 21, 2005- J.A. Michaels in Port Orchard.
All the cool kids will be there, will you?
Hear The Banner Jump Now!

Advice for the male youngsters who wish to rock...

Happy B-day to my bros boy G! Good advice...If you take all your drugs(drop acid at school), tap all the bitches you can(lie if you have too), know the clitoris for it is your friend, shun all organized religon, make and follow your own law, don't accept Canadian coins, never shit at home, never sweat at work, profit in the black market economy, only then will you fucking rock and be a rocking fuck, like your evil uncle brandensbaked!

Labor Day could be better if...

President Grover Cleveland declared Labor Day a national holiday in 1894. The occasion was first observed on Sept. 5, 1882, in New York City. A parade was organized by the city's Central Labor Union. I'm glad I don't have to watch a parade on Labor Day. Parades suck.
According to Ted Watt's The First Labor Day Parade, the September date was chosen because it coincided with a Knights of Labor conference in New York. In 1887, Oregon became the first state to make Labor Day an official holiday. Oregon kicks much ass. I guess I would like a parade if it was made up of strippers. Hell, I might even be in a parade if it was all strippers and I could just get table dances for the whole route. Damn, I may be on to something. Stay tuned for the first annual brandensbaked Stripper Day parade! Wow, Stripper Day. Word.

Perhaps I was a tad callus

I apologize if any internet reading, hurricane displaced, global warming victims or their families, or pussies in general, were offended by my indifference towards their obvious suffering. But honestly, I watched a Discovery Channel documentary on New Orleans about four years ago, which clearly warned you idiots(sorry again) that your city is below sea level. Let me just say that one more time. Your city is below sea level. Now, that is the same thing that happens to your throat when you tip back a beer. The liquid always seeks the lowest level. Move to higher ground. Word.
Other news: Band practice tonight! Hurray! BooRippinRadly is on holiday with DJ K. Went to see Pearl Jam at the Gorge. I fucking love that place this time of year. I saw Stevie Ray Vaughn with BooRippinRadly on his last Washington gig before his untimely death, and the sunset was so beautiful he paused the show to make note of it. Peace and titties.
B.