Well, I guess you mutherfuckers are only half as stupid as I suspected. I stand half corrected. As the Democrats take back control of the U.S. Congress, as the Republicans try to claim the candidates that won as Republicans in the wrong party(what about the Republicans that lost John Gibson were they in the wrong party?), I bathe in the hope that our country can regain the moral high ground I need to justify my humongous ego. You see, our constitution is so well thought out, so well writtin, I always thought it was Bush-proof. IT IS NOT. It requires a citizenship that revers it, and cares about it's protections. Have you ever seen Jay Leno asking people on the street to answer simple questions about our country or history or anything an adult should know if he/she doesn't have his/her head up his/her ass. There are responsibilities that come along with U.S. citizinship. I believe our existence as a country for the people, must be by the people. I know I lost all the people I was aiming for when I said "constitution". So let me put it in terms that may resonate with the sheep I am refering to: A VOTE FOR THE REPUBLICANS IS A VOTE FOR DEVIL WORSHIPPING CHILD MOLESTORS. Peace and titties...

News on Da Jump...

The Banner Jump released a statement through their spiritual leader at 9 AM on October 19, 2006. This pre-written statement contained the following: "The Banner Jump and bassist Heather "Leather Pants" Morritz, have filed for legal separation in Kitsap County District Court, where they currently are based in Washington state." The band cited "irreconcilable differences" and "Heather's sad and well documented addiction to supporting her family" as the main reasons for the split. The band also continues to deny the rumor of a "four-fathered-love-baby", that some bloggers have reported on the inter-web, explaining: "We all just jacked off on her feet while she smacked our bare asses with her riding crop." They added," there was hardly any penetration, and that was mostly anal." The statement continued: "The Banner Jump wishes Leather Pants continued musical success, and hopes she gets the help she so desperately needs. Some of us have had jobs at one time or another and know the dangerous allure of food and shelter. Hopefully, this will bring attention to this growing problem in our society." After several paragraphs outlining the bands unwavering opposition to working for "the man", they commented on their future, stating: "Heather will be mentioned in requests to our pagan Gods, and we will continue to use her pictures in our masturbation rituals." The statement concluded: "We are also pleased to announce the we auditioned "Jack vs. The Ice Cream Man" bass player Dan Cox last night at RanFo's, and if he can come up with some pills and cash, looks to have the inside track on the position." At the time of this printing, Morritz could not be reached for comment, and repeated requests for an interview have gone unanswered. Additionally, it is unclear if alleged bassist Cox was aligned with Jack, or if he was allied with the heavily favored Ice Cream Man. Nor is it known how these shocking developments will affect the conflict.

What I did on my summer vacation.

This summer me and my dog and 2Lo went to see the new bridge. My dog was mad 'cause she had to stay in the car. 2Lo got to get out. We went to a park and looked up at the new bridge. It was the same as the old bridge. Then we walked half way across the old bridge. Cars honked at us 'cause we're fine.
The end.

Wake and Bake Fuckers.

Damn, it's starting to get a wee bit chilly. Love the fall. My favorite time of year. Can you believe it's been two years since Monolithic Baby came to town? Was it all just a wonderful dream? With a happy ending? I sure wish Dave would release the new Magnet. Dave, I'll leave you with some of your own words... We'll have a good time baby. Well it's a planet of the apes in a third eye kind of thing. We'll have to all lay down dig through the ground. We'll find a holy rider that'll make your thing go ding.
Wow, that shit is deep. Peace.

My Space

Has anyone else noticed the herd of lesbians on My Space? Fuck me runnin'. I'm a Lesbian trapped in a man's body. But they won't let me play with them. God damned fine assed mutherfuckin' pie eatin' reach around wet tongued bitches. Are any of you fuckheads stalkin' bitches on My Space? Are any of you bitches stalkin' fuckheads? I know. You just read your email and do a little banking. More like spankin'. There are two kinds of peeps. The kind that masturbate and the kind that lie about it. The rest of you mutherfuckers are mutherfucking robots. I saw you eating batteries at lunch. Sometimes when I stand up, I see little sparkling lights floating around me. I have a new sexy neighbor. Yep. A huh. That's right. She drunk too. Yeah, totally. Mmmm hmmmm. I got pictures. No she was passed out. Fuck you, don't fuckin' judge me. Oh right. I forgot, you're perfect. Well, what's done is done. Word.

Now you know.

The terrorists hate our liquids. If we quit using liquids, they win. Power to the people.

Ahhh Home Is Where The Love Is

Walmart is open all night.

Don't get it Twisted

When I say Revolution I mean one time around.
When I say Question Authority I mean Ask, don't assume.
When I say Seperate Yourself I mean rise above.
When I say She's a Stripper I mean I'm in love.

True Dat.

Happy Birthday USA.

How old are ya now? 230? Damn! You don't look a day over 175.

Word

Sometimes fortune favors the bold. Does it balance? Only occasionally. Be Bold.

Huh?

If an albino gets a sunburn, does it turn red?

Yo can I get a hell yeah?

The Jump is now located at my space:
http://www.myspace.com/thebannerjump

Happy Memorial Day!!

Wow! Saw Ricksbaked Friday. X and 2Lo Saturday. Hawkeye stumbled in Sunday. Who will show up next? I'm hoping for a visitor with titties. Preferably female.
Would like to send a shout out to this weeks "brandensbaked spotlight sponsor"... 2Lo!
2Lo provided brandensbaked worldwide headquarters with a couch. Now I can "chill" while I'm "kickin' it". For his generosity, 2Lo has been rewarded with 10 brandensbaked karma points, which are redeemable at any of the "brandensbaked heavenly vacation destinations" worldwide.*
Saturday evening, we went to the shooting gallery(endzone) cause X wanted to fire off a few rounds. Maybe even bag a skeezer. The targets were pretty small, sure, but X wouldn't even take his piece out of it's holster. Now I know X practices shooting by himself a lot, maybe too much. Perhaps some added distractions would help him steady his eye. Try practicing in traffic, or in a restaurant bathroom, or my favorite, the stand up tanning booth. If you practice with distractions, then the next time you're out in the field, you should be a little more relaxed. Happy hunting!
Saw AmyT with her new boyfriend. She looked a little crazy, but sounded fully crazy.(Those that know, know). She asked me five times if I still lived at the stabbin cabin. Yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes was how I answered. Then I had a premonition. AmyT will be back for another delicious helping of brandensbaked's famous stuffed chickenlady, and some dna puddin!
Other news: Intelligence tells us they have picked up a lot of chatter concerning a new joint from Supercell. We are raising the threat level to orange.
Thanks to all the vets,
brandensbaked




*brandensbaked must be present on vacation to redeem points.

Wassup Ballers?

Hey what the fuck is crackin? Me? I've been slammin dope and using black magic to try and improve Dave's health since the o.d. That may or may not have helped. Dave. But I'm bored with that, so I have decided to become a straightedger asshole. Or a liar. But enough about me. What have you been doing? For Dave. The new Monster Magnet was supposed to be out by now, but it isn't. This is like the summer after we graduated(stay in school kids). We all gave John Gallagoo our money to get an 8 ball for our trip to Lake Chelan. Long story short. He took our money. He scored the blow. He got amazingly drunk. He did all the blow, fought his dad, resisted arrest, and went to the emergency room. We go on vacation,no John, less money, no blow. That blows. So fucking suck it up and turn loose the new Magnet, man. Cause I don't wanna go to Lake Chelan without any blow. Dave.
The new Tool is fucking brilliant. I didn't get to go to the concert, due to forces-beyond-my control conspiring against me. Fuckers. I'll catch 'em in the Tacoma Dome when they do the big tour. Tool, not forces-beyond-my-control. First time I've missed Tool since me and Boo got kicked out of the UPS field house, after the Cows, during the intermission, for tokin hard and talkin shit. I was tokin, Boo was talkin shit. Another time we got tossed out of the Offramp in Seattle after the Cows, before My Sisters Machine, for shooting 1800 and talkin shit. Shit. Something about them fucking Cows don't agree with me. Or Boo. What? The Cows is the only reasonable explanation.
The Bush administration is threatening to prosecute journalist that publish leaked classified material. Fucking assholes. Fucking holy-rolling self-righteous going-to hell-for-fucking-sure mutherfuckers. Colbert fucking nailed you mutherfucker.

Me and 2Lo are going to...

Amsterdam! Oh Yeah! In your face!
If any groovy bitches wanna get freaky in Amsterdam in November, with a couple of superhero/rockstars, drop me a line.

Web Sense by Dr. brandensbaked.

If you don't want me to have naked pictures of you, then do not put them on the internet. Now you girls get washed up and put your uniforms on. Didn't Sister Britanny tell you to put your hair in pigtails? That's right.

It Seemed Like A Good Idea

FourTwenty Hipsters!

Who's gonna teach you how to dance? Who's gonna show you how to fly? Who's gonna call you on the lame dope smokin' slackin' little sucker you are? Who's gonna get you from behind? Who's gonna ring your little bell? Who's gonna con you into buying television and the revolution they sell?
Happy Earthday and Happy Birthaday, may you rot in hell.

Spring Time Means Time To Suck It Up

Now I'm inclined to let my life spin out of control from time to time. That's cool, happens to the best of us. I would suggest you do it when I do it, fall and winter. Who amongst us hasn't uttered these famous words? "No!!!! I fucking luuuuuuuuuv you!" Only the liars can deny it. But there is hope, pussy-whipped pussy boys. Suck it up! For spring is here, and unless I'm delusional, summer should be following.
So clean out the house, mental and literal, and get your finances in order. We have to be stone cold ballers by opening day of stripper season. Oh shit, that's next friday! Strippers don't want no blubbering love sick pussy boys. Strippers need to be manipulated by strong alpha males.
We are all on notice. Suck it up, wipe your eyes, break up with your girlfriend, and let us live the way God intended, like men! So score some shit and do some push-ups, I'll see ya all at Scarlet's after the show. Word.
Finish yer taxes too.

No Foolin.

So sorry I've been neglecting you kiddies, but I've run into a bit of a, oh, what would you call it?, a snapfu. That is short for fucking snapper. Bitch. Fool. Shut-up. No, you shut-up. They say April showers bring may flowers. Poppies I reckon.

Get Well Soon Dave

Dave Wyndorf suffered a drug overdose on Feb 27th. The Monster Magnet European Tour has been canceled, although Dave is expected to make a full recovery.
I'll tell Dave the same thing I told Boo, when the shit gets too deep, call brandensbaked for backup. Together we'll conquer any stash.
I hope you get it together and keep on keepin on!

Fucking Sheep.

I see the world through bloodshot eyes.
A bleeding soul becoms a bitter mind.
We all bleed our sins and our sins are always fading.
Why don't you fucking know this? You all should know this.
Separate yourself.
for twa grr.

Who's not stoned?

X why you actin' so 'spicious? Now I mutherfuckin' 'spect you too. You're fucking baked. Whatever...

Thank-Yous and Fuck Y****

First of all, I'd like to thank the following "brandensbaked spotlight sponsers"(copyrights reserved): BooRippinRadly, TTboy, Father Mike of SkyChurch, and mutherfuckin 2Lo!
Without their generous gifts, brandensbaked would just be branden(I'm out the game nizzle).
Please support their causes and beliefs.
Now I would like extend a terry cotton toweled, blow dryed, bone dry, no warning, bend ya over the kitchen counter fuck you to the following "brandensbaked wrath of god recipients"(copyrights reserved bitches):All the chiselin, dope hoarding, tight assed, closet holders fuckin bitches. You mutherfucks know who you are, but you don't think I suspect ya. Well, if your handle aint been mentioned earlier, I suspect ya.

Welcome to Washington

We got robbed! What's new. Fuck you.

Get Jumped...If You Dare

The Banner Jump will be at J.A. Michaels in Port Orchard Saturday night. Also appearing, North of Skidmore, Portland's hottest attraction since Bonzi Wells. Come enjoy a Super Beer before the Super Bowl.

Oh My God...

We finally made it! I am still letting it all sink in. No smartass comments. No I told ya sos. Just pure satisfaction. Fuck yeah.
What an honor to be playing against the Steelers. The greatest franchise in the NFL.

Revolution!!!

When I say revolution, I mean one time around.
I wish R Kelley were trapped in a closet, only with his mouth covered in duct tape.
What the fuck happened to the Supes?
The trouble with classic rock stations; they never play any new music.

Say What?

Welcome back bitches! Hope everyone had a nice winter break. I used the time to fucking rock!
The Banner Jump is well rested and ready to fuck it up.
Supercell is back inside your fucking head.
Skidmore will be in the Everwet state on Feb. 4th.
The Hawks are out of their fucking minds.
Hawkeye won the pool.
2Lo's on the move.
X owes The Jump a date in P-town.
I don't get the "gypsy" look.
Fords suck.
Eval's chasin the dragon.
The Man is out the game.(Happy tenth!)
Toby won his appeal.
Q. What do you call a couple of dudes who can't get it up while one girlfriend 69's with his friend's sexy girlfriend?
A. I don't know(fags?), but if those bitches had called brandensbaked, instead of those dudes(fags?), the story would have romance, action(roll film), adventure, depth(balls deep), and WOOD.
When will the new Tool CD be out?
JoHo stoned me w/some Hash Plant. Good stuff.
Happy MLK day!