Wassup Ballers?

Hey what the fuck is crackin? Me? I've been slammin dope and using black magic to try and improve Dave's health since the o.d. That may or may not have helped. Dave. But I'm bored with that, so I have decided to become a straightedger asshole. Or a liar. But enough about me. What have you been doing? For Dave. The new Monster Magnet was supposed to be out by now, but it isn't. This is like the summer after we graduated(stay in school kids). We all gave John Gallagoo our money to get an 8 ball for our trip to Lake Chelan. Long story short. He took our money. He scored the blow. He got amazingly drunk. He did all the blow, fought his dad, resisted arrest, and went to the emergency room. We go on vacation,no John, less money, no blow. That blows. So fucking suck it up and turn loose the new Magnet, man. Cause I don't wanna go to Lake Chelan without any blow. Dave.
The new Tool is fucking brilliant. I didn't get to go to the concert, due to forces-beyond-my control conspiring against me. Fuckers. I'll catch 'em in the Tacoma Dome when they do the big tour. Tool, not forces-beyond-my-control. First time I've missed Tool since me and Boo got kicked out of the UPS field house, after the Cows, during the intermission, for tokin hard and talkin shit. I was tokin, Boo was talkin shit. Another time we got tossed out of the Offramp in Seattle after the Cows, before My Sisters Machine, for shooting 1800 and talkin shit. Shit. Something about them fucking Cows don't agree with me. Or Boo. What? The Cows is the only reasonable explanation.
The Bush administration is threatening to prosecute journalist that publish leaked classified material. Fucking assholes. Fucking holy-rolling self-righteous going-to hell-for-fucking-sure mutherfuckers. Colbert fucking nailed you mutherfucker.