Yo can I get a hell yeah?

The Jump is now located at my space:
http://www.myspace.com/thebannerjump

Happy Memorial Day!!

Wow! Saw Ricksbaked Friday. X and 2Lo Saturday. Hawkeye stumbled in Sunday. Who will show up next? I'm hoping for a visitor with titties. Preferably female.
Would like to send a shout out to this weeks "brandensbaked spotlight sponsor"... 2Lo!
2Lo provided brandensbaked worldwide headquarters with a couch. Now I can "chill" while I'm "kickin' it". For his generosity, 2Lo has been rewarded with 10 brandensbaked karma points, which are redeemable at any of the "brandensbaked heavenly vacation destinations" worldwide.*
Saturday evening, we went to the shooting gallery(endzone) cause X wanted to fire off a few rounds. Maybe even bag a skeezer. The targets were pretty small, sure, but X wouldn't even take his piece out of it's holster. Now I know X practices shooting by himself a lot, maybe too much. Perhaps some added distractions would help him steady his eye. Try practicing in traffic, or in a restaurant bathroom, or my favorite, the stand up tanning booth. If you practice with distractions, then the next time you're out in the field, you should be a little more relaxed. Happy hunting!
Saw AmyT with her new boyfriend. She looked a little crazy, but sounded fully crazy.(Those that know, know). She asked me five times if I still lived at the stabbin cabin. Yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes was how I answered. Then I had a premonition. AmyT will be back for another delicious helping of brandensbaked's famous stuffed chickenlady, and some dna puddin!
Other news: Intelligence tells us they have picked up a lot of chatter concerning a new joint from Supercell. We are raising the threat level to orange.
Thanks to all the vets,
brandensbaked




*brandensbaked must be present on vacation to redeem points.

Wassup Ballers?

Hey what the fuck is crackin? Me? I've been slammin dope and using black magic to try and improve Dave's health since the o.d. That may or may not have helped. Dave. But I'm bored with that, so I have decided to become a straightedger asshole. Or a liar. But enough about me. What have you been doing? For Dave. The new Monster Magnet was supposed to be out by now, but it isn't. This is like the summer after we graduated(stay in school kids). We all gave John Gallagoo our money to get an 8 ball for our trip to Lake Chelan. Long story short. He took our money. He scored the blow. He got amazingly drunk. He did all the blow, fought his dad, resisted arrest, and went to the emergency room. We go on vacation,no John, less money, no blow. That blows. So fucking suck it up and turn loose the new Magnet, man. Cause I don't wanna go to Lake Chelan without any blow. Dave.
The new Tool is fucking brilliant. I didn't get to go to the concert, due to forces-beyond-my control conspiring against me. Fuckers. I'll catch 'em in the Tacoma Dome when they do the big tour. Tool, not forces-beyond-my-control. First time I've missed Tool since me and Boo got kicked out of the UPS field house, after the Cows, during the intermission, for tokin hard and talkin shit. I was tokin, Boo was talkin shit. Another time we got tossed out of the Offramp in Seattle after the Cows, before My Sisters Machine, for shooting 1800 and talkin shit. Shit. Something about them fucking Cows don't agree with me. Or Boo. What? The Cows is the only reasonable explanation.
The Bush administration is threatening to prosecute journalist that publish leaked classified material. Fucking assholes. Fucking holy-rolling self-righteous going-to hell-for-fucking-sure mutherfuckers. Colbert fucking nailed you mutherfucker.

Me and 2Lo are going to...

Amsterdam! Oh Yeah! In your face!
If any groovy bitches wanna get freaky in Amsterdam in November, with a couple of superhero/rockstars, drop me a line.

Web Sense by Dr. brandensbaked.

If you don't want me to have naked pictures of you, then do not put them on the internet. Now you girls get washed up and put your uniforms on. Didn't Sister Britanny tell you to put your hair in pigtails? That's right.

It Seemed Like A Good Idea

FourTwenty Hipsters!

Who's gonna teach you how to dance? Who's gonna show you how to fly? Who's gonna call you on the lame dope smokin' slackin' little sucker you are? Who's gonna get you from behind? Who's gonna ring your little bell? Who's gonna con you into buying television and the revolution they sell?
Happy Earthday and Happy Birthaday, may you rot in hell.

Spring Time Means Time To Suck It Up

Now I'm inclined to let my life spin out of control from time to time. That's cool, happens to the best of us. I would suggest you do it when I do it, fall and winter. Who amongst us hasn't uttered these famous words? "No!!!! I fucking luuuuuuuuuv you!" Only the liars can deny it. But there is hope, pussy-whipped pussy boys. Suck it up! For spring is here, and unless I'm delusional, summer should be following.
So clean out the house, mental and literal, and get your finances in order. We have to be stone cold ballers by opening day of stripper season. Oh shit, that's next friday! Strippers don't want no blubbering love sick pussy boys. Strippers need to be manipulated by strong alpha males.
We are all on notice. Suck it up, wipe your eyes, break up with your girlfriend, and let us live the way God intended, like men! So score some shit and do some push-ups, I'll see ya all at Scarlet's after the show. Word.
Finish yer taxes too.

No Foolin.

So sorry I've been neglecting you kiddies, but I've run into a bit of a, oh, what would you call it?, a snapfu. That is short for fucking snapper. Bitch. Fool. Shut-up. No, you shut-up. They say April showers bring may flowers. Poppies I reckon.

Get Well Soon Dave

Dave Wyndorf suffered a drug overdose on Feb 27th. The Monster Magnet European Tour has been canceled, although Dave is expected to make a full recovery.
I'll tell Dave the same thing I told Boo, when the shit gets too deep, call brandensbaked for backup. Together we'll conquer any stash.
I hope you get it together and keep on keepin on!