The Real Story

The truth, is really nothing more, than the most popular version of a situation or event.
This is how it went down. I have been a huge Monster Magnet fan since BooRippenRadly and T-man, were living in Idaho, no you da ho, ho. Anyway, that was like, the summer Kiss did their reunion tour, '96 I think. The first time I heard "Black Balloon" off of Superjudge, they've been as close to an idol as I've had, since I realized how fucking gay it is to wear spandex and hairspray. In fact, spandex is gay all by it self(while hairspray is only effeminate). I went to see them a couple of years ago, when Powertrip came out, but due to forces beyond my control(my insatiable thirst), I only got to see their last two songs. I don't know if they toured for God says No, but I didn't hear anything. So when I found out they were coming this summer, I got tix for Seattle and P-town. Needless to say, my celebration began three days prior to their arrival in P-town, the first show. The day of that first show was a remarkable display of chemical, biological, and astrological forces, combining to create a situation where I, brandensbaked, was more like Monster Magnet, than Monster Magnet. As you can imagine, I immediately began grooving with this chick. I believe I opened with, "Are you wearing lingerie for a shirt? Cause I love me some strippers!" As the music grooved, I grooved. Totally blew her mind. I told X and 2Lo(who were with me), I found true love. Why didn't those mutherfuckers tackle my drunk, beer goggle wearin ass, and shuttle me to safety. I ended up dry-humpin this bitch till there was smoke rollin off my 501's. Even after daylight, my blood was still mostly chemicals suspended in alcohol. In this condition my judgement can't be trusted. Duh. Somehow I made it back to my truck in time to drive home, catch a couple hours of sleep, and hit the Seattle show. BooRadly drove, and we met up with Jimisings. Great finish to a five day liver triathalon. What a fucking week that was. Somehow, in all the excitement, I had agreed to attend Farm Aid with this very special lady, about three weeks later in my neck of the woods. As the day approached, I struggled to form a clear picture of her in my mind. Drawing from my battered memory, I recalled hopefully, that she was pretty hot. As I went out to my driveway to reunite with my mystery girl, my senses were assaulted with an image that left me limp and tentative. What we have here, is a classic two-facer. Fuck. She, on the other hand, was all over me (I'm good lookin for real). The weather was crap, but the concert was interesting. You thought I was gonna run, didn't you. Nope, I manned up and did what I said I'd do. She had reserved us a room at a local motel, which means we're goin all the way. I should add here, she paid for everything, even drinks, though I offered many times. After a day spent watching the show, and chuggin five dollar beers, we retired to our accommodations. I will spare you the gruesome details, but we had intimate relations, lets just leave it at that. Lets not. Why did I do it? So I could cum. Duh. I couldn't jerk-off with her in the room. That would be even creepier. After a lackluster performance that left one of us unsatisfied, and the other one queasy, I knew in my guilty, panic-ridden mind, I would never see her again. Luckily, she had to return to Beaverton (I know, it's hell funny, beaverton!) early Sunday for a wedding. I broke off all contact. For a month I didn't answer her many, many, calls or emails. Finally, she quit calling. I know, I'm a jerk. I relaxed and went back to my sublime existence of self-gratification. Then one evening, a Wednesday I believe, I'm mindin my own business, when out on the porch there arose such a clatter, Maiden sprang to the door to see what was the matter. That fucking bitch! She drove three hours to pop in on my baked ass. Oh, I was thoroughly irritated. I told her I had reunited with my ex, and she needed to hit the road without delay, lest my sweety discover us. "Can I at least use the bathroom?" She inquired. "Yeah, I suppose. Make it quick" I stated coldly. She pissed, then she left pissed. Seven minutes from hello to goodbye. Haven't heard from her since. That's my story and I'm stickin to it.