Unique views on music, politics, life.

Brandensbaked...The Id of a dude in upper left 'Merica. Trump hater! The creative force behind "American Supercell", a BIG DEAL in the Clover Valley music scene, played guitar in "Bonedawgs", "Banner Jump", and "Musclefuzz". Is proficient in all the manly arts, such as creating art, constructing useful things, mechanics, combat gardening, and respecting women. Possibly an immortal...Time will tell.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Mmmmmm. Tasty Weekend Yo.

Arizona has had a great year.  That being said, move the fuck over so my Seahawks can get some of that spotlight.  I am salivating waiting for this Sunday.  Gonna take over first place.  I love the thought of the other NFC contenders looking over their back only to see the Hawks charging.  We are on a collision course with the New England Patriots.  You mad bro?  Christmas party tonight...Taking Tiff....Healing up nicely.  125 days of bondage.  Peace.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

12/13/14

We haven't had a numerologist's boner like this since the apocalyptic swing and miss of 12/12/12.  Let's see.  What's new?  Well, I had a couple of hernias surgically repaired on Thursday.  So after I'm all healed up, my body will once again be flawless.  The Huskies are playing in the Cactus Bowl on the 2nd of January.  The Huskies basketball team is undefeated after destroying #13 SDSU.  The Seahawks are peaking at just the right time and after destroying SF, AZ, and Philly, we get SF at our place tomorrow.  The Mariners landed Nelson Cruz, and are trying to sign Melky Cabrera.  Fucking A it's a good time to be a sports fan in the great NW.  GIVE US OUR SONICS BACK YOU NAZI BASTARDS!!!!  In pussy news....My girls birthday yesterday.  Happy BDay Valerie.  Are we back together?  No.  Not yet.  Someday perhaps.  Am I giving her money?  Uh...Yeah.  Is she fucking me?  More ways than one grasshopper, more ways than one.  But, by not locking me down, this allows the dirty dog to roam....In other news, cops kill unarmed citizens with impunity.  Bill Cosby is a sick motherfucker...Corporate welfare continues to destroy democracy.  Global climate change rages unchecked...It was 68* here 3 days ago. 131 days of bondage, followed by sweet, sweet freedom. Peace and titties.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Killer fall day in the Clover Valley



Sunny and 28* as the polar vortex kills off the weak and dazzles the survivors.  I would not want to be living in a tent or cardboard box this week.  Peace...

Monday, November 10, 2014

All Up In My Grill

Sooooo, I had to take a break from the vagicide I've been committing on CrazyChick01.  My advanced relationship sensors alerted me to the fact that by utterly destroying this pussy, I may be unintentionally creating "feelings" in the rubble.  These feelings, while useful as motivation to follow my every perverted, deviant sexual fantasy, could come back to haunt me.  A woman scorned is a DANGEROUS adversary.  I'm fearless, not stupid.  Okay, I am stupid, but I'm not crazy...Okay, maybe a little crazy, but I'm definitely not suicidal. Yeah.  Not suicidal.  A glutton for punishment, but I want to live damn it!!!  I cannot believe how many good years I wasted on that fucking cunt, Valerie.  Remember how much fun we used to have dippin the wick all over this great country?  Good times...Koch Un Bolls 2015...The shoot out resumes....

Sunday, November 09, 2014

How To Pick Up Women....

My favorite way?  Pull the truck over and ask 'em if they need a ride.
 Works best when it's cold out and they are carrying a garbage bag full of clothes.  Sooooo, any who, that's what I did Saturday.  Dropped off crazy chick #1, went to an AA meeting full of dudes, then I picked up crazy chick #2.  Today my life is 2/3rd full of crazy chicks.  That ends up being more than the USDA recommended daily allowance.  I can handle it yo.  In other news....Dawgs got beat....Hawks pull it out in the 4th quarter....Polar vortex bearing down on the Clover Valley....Won my 3rd game in Fantasy Football.....New Pink Floyd dropped....165 Days left of bondage....Brandensbaked has left the building.

Sunday, November 02, 2014

Day of the Dead.....Dance of the Dead

Today is the Mexican holiday Day of the Dead.  I love everything Mexican.  Except for their schwag brick weed.  If they could get their bullshit weed situation worked out, that would be a country on the rise.  Psssst. Mexico. Call me.  I got skills that pay the bills.  Any who, the Huskies are bowl eligible.  After beating Colorado in The Bud Bowl, college edition, we are 6-3.  Right about where everyone figured we'd be.  So far, pretty disappointing for yours truly.  I thought for sure Chris Peterson would be able to get a win against at least one of the big three, AZ state, Oregon, or Stanford.  I guess a win at UCLA would go a long way...Mariners lost Justin Smoak to Toronto last week.  I always liked the man.  Sorry things didn't work out.  Good luck Smoaky.  The Seattle Seahawks take on the lowly Raiders today in Seattle...What can I say about this?  C'mon Hawks!  Time to pad the stats and get some third stringers off the bench.  In weather, cloudy and 46* here, snowing in Foxborough for the Patriots and Broncos.  And lastly, Corrosion of Conformity have gotten the Blind lineup back together for one show...Wish I could see that!  Here's the song that started my long love affair with COC:

Peace and titties fools.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Hawks get healthy and I get laid...

Well, it was ugly.  That statement is true for the Seahawks and for me and Valerie.  We both realized it was time for rededicating ourselves to the fundamentals.  The Seahawks and I, not Valerie.  So, the Hawks got back to the run, and I got back to hitting on any girl I like, knowing the numbers would favor me sooner or later.  Oh, sure, I struck out a few times before I made solid contact(baseball analogies work better for chick stories), but eventually I drove one out of the park.  Is she crazy?  Bat shit.  Does that make for better sex?  You better believe it.  Do I ask too many rhetorical questions?  Probably. Will I please stop?  For now.  In other news, my Dawgs got beat again.  My fantasy football team got tuned up big time.  In cooking news, I made a chorizo and cheese omelet that was fucking awesome.  Sometimes you gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet. Actually every time. Without eggs it's something else entirely.  Any who, in da weather, last night was a hella wind storm. Lightning and rain and power outages.  Oh my!  Today was a nice October day, sunny and 60*.  Kind of like my betty situation, yesterday was crap, today sunny.  Life is like that.  AA zombies will tell you that's God in action.  Bullshit. Brandensbaked will tell you that your brain has been fine tuned over millions of years to look for patterns, so patterns are what you see.  Who is right?  I guess there's no way to tell until you die, and there in lies the rub. At least with my theory you get to stay off of your knees.  I suggest you think it through and make up your own fucking mind you God damned lemming.  Peace and titties fools.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Gods and Punks

If anyone has been following "Gamergate", you've no doubt heard about these spineless fucks, who, from their parents basements, threaten female-rights advocates.  They mercilessly harass any female who puts forth ideas that threaten the status quo, as far as females being portrayed as helpless, sexy, playthings, that need to be rescued by the male archetype superhero(nerds on an Xbox).  Now if you read my blog, and I hope you do, you know that I objectify women.  In my reality, which I create, women are sexy, dumb, and horny.  I also fantasize that sooner or later these horny women will probably need some kind of rescue.  Hopefully by yours truly.  Hopefully followed by steamy, kinky sex.  With me.  I don't begrudge the "gamers" this world view.  The problem arises when one of these females has an opinion that differs from the "gamers".  Now, when I offend one of these independent, strong-willed women, I expect to be ruthlessly spanked and forced to lick their leather stilettos. Hand-cuffed to a giant wheel, I soon regret my sins. These socially retarded trolls however, use their advanced interweb skills to reveal sensitive personal information of the outspoken women, like addresses and social security numbers.  The goal is to silence these dissenters, and any other women who may be thinking of speaking out, by making them fear for their personal safety.  These chickenshit, anonymous punks hide behind screen names, like, "gamerfag69", or "joystickmick", while the courageous women they harass have the balls to publish under their true identity.  Well let me just say this, I am willing to beat any of these threatening trolls half to death in exchange for sex with the fine assed female being harassed. You punks might run the interweb, but real life is my domain. Peace and titties fools.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Seahawks to appear on Maury....

Jesus.  I was led to believe that my Hawks were mentally bulletproof.  I must admit, the Percy Harvin trade felt like a punch in the gut.  Things seemed to get worse by the day.  Now, peoples tongues are wagging 'bout my main man, Russell Wilson.  Is he black enough?  I'm not willing to risk letting him loose in the streets of Ferguson that's for sure.  He is well spoken.  Does that make him un-black?  Or does that threaten the Ebonics speaking  thugs.  I don't know, nor do I give a fuck.  What I care about is WINS.  Let's put this petty bullshit behind us and put a beat down on Carolina.  That will be the salve on this herpe of a week.  Any who, in other news, I got a new Tivo HD DVR tuner today and it rocks.  I'm getting all of the channels.  All of them. Shhhhhhh. Don't tell anyone, y'hear?  In voting news, I turned in my ballot.  Voted DEMOCRAT all the way across.  Fuck you republican cunts.  In weather, HOLY SHIT A TORNADO TOUCHED DOWN IN WASHINGTON!!!!! You're all caught up on the news that's fit to spit.....Peace and titties fools.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Seahawks Enrolled In Special Ed

The Rams special teams did in the Hawks, single-handedly back handing the champs who were handed their second straight loss.  Also, my reign as the worst fantasy football manager evah, yeah, that's still intact.  My UW Huskies got their asses kicked.  SK Wolves are horrible.  Enough football.  The weather? Fan-fucking-tastic. Sunny and 66*.  In my old life, I would be trimming up some huge kolas of some super fine Frieze.  I used to grow one out back by the bamboo every summer, and get about a pound of kind nugs yo.  In my new life, I'm growing bored.  I have way over a pound of that shit too yo.  I have to go to 3 AA or NA meetings every week. Weak.  Ever seen the movie "Fight Club"?  Well, I'm about to break the rules, and talk about "Fight Club".  Remember when Ed Norton Jr. can't sleep?  He starts going to all those 12 step meetings?  Yeah, that's exactly what a lame ass 12 step meeting is like, without all the editing.  Punishing.  Cult.  Brainwashing.  Reprogramming.  Well, this mutherfucker can reprogram his-self. I don't buy into all Bill W..hatever his name is's bullshit.  But, I signed on for this, so I will see it through.  That is the kind of stand up mutherfucker I am.  186 days until I get my mojo back.  Peace and titties.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Remember The End Of The World....

That never showed....12-12-12?  Better late than never eh?  As the new Ebola infections reach 10000 per week, that post-apocalyptic wasteland we were promised is closer than ever!  Time to dust off the bio suit and re-stock the bomb shelter with top ramen.  I like a half of a cup of frozen corn and a scrambled egg dropped in my ramen to make a fun and easy meal for around 1 dollar. I am also accepting applications for breeders to help create the workforce we will need to rebuild.  You know I like to keep a positive attitude, so here are some benefits to the coming pandemic....The weight I've gained looks like a survival strategy.  The population retraction will reduce greenhouse gasses.  I won't have to go to those fucking AA meetings.  My crappy credit score won't matter.  And finally, the best reason to embrace the Ebola epidemic? The fall of the corporate elite and the destruction of their lackeys, our shitty government!  Check back often for survival tips and all the news that's fit to spit.

Tuesday, October 07, 2014

Hawks eclipse Washington

Russel Wilson is da shiiit yo.  The Hawks did what they were supposed to.  Saturday was the craziest fucking day of college football evah!  Loved seeing Sark get his dreams crushed. Yeah, I'm fucking petty...So sue me.  Got my ass handed to me in stupid-assed-fantasy-fagball.  Hmmm. I just used "ass" and "fag" in the same sentence and nobody got violated.  Except my fantasy football dreams, they got turned out.  The weather here is dreamy. Another kick-ass foggy morning, sunny afternoon.  Brace yourself....The rain's a comin'.  Alerievae is totally being an Untcae.  An all too common recurring phenomena.  My Southwest Chipoltle Chili turned out perfect!  All the homies were diggin it at the Monday Night Football sausage party.  I need cymbals for my drum set.  Lunar eclipse tonight. You have been updated. BDawg has left the building.......198 days 'til I'm back.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Dawgs Fall and Fall Shines

Fucking Huskies! Had every opportunity to win this one. WTF was up with that fake punt?  Hmmmm. Not sure, but it sucked.  A lot of football to be played yo.  M's are hanging by a thread. If Oakland wins again or we lose again it's over.  No Seahawks this week.  I'm still looking for my first win in my fantasy league, Mac attacks minions. The weather is fucking awesome today.  Sunny and 66.  Today is day 438 of my sobriety experiment. 209 days until I get my mojo back. Peace and titties yo.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Ouch!!!!

Oh Mariners, where art thou? Three back with five left. Can I get a little "refuse to lose" from 1995? I think I'm just going to go ahead and stick a fork in 'em.  This year was magical, yo.  My only problem is the fact that it was over before the money-shot.  Kind of like if you meet this chick at the bar, right?  She is okay.  But her body is killer.  The body, that's my metaphor for Robinson Cano. You get this bitch back to the crib, and she is puttin on a show, yo.  Blowin your mind.  Her mouth, oh, her magical mouth....That's the M's bullpen.  So, your scroggin away for 145 games, and it's a dream.  She's screamin, your moanin.  Shit is falling off the shelves. Neighbors are like, get that bitch an Emmy 'cause she's puttin on a show, yo.  But then, the little lady starts looking at the clock, right?  Your all like, "What's wrong baby?" She's all, "My boyfriend freaks the fuck out if I'm not home by 3." Then, she says, "I'm sorry, I gotta go."  Your all, "Wait, I haven't, um, ya know, cum yet." And she says, "We'll cum next year, see ya in spring training." Damn...

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Super Bowl Remix

Hawks win! Overtime thrilla....Dawgs pull out a respectable second half against Georgia State....Ms are fadin fast...Last day of summer, and oh was it a beauty!  My grass is back.  Ive been getting migraines, brain tumor? Stay tuned!  I weigh 200 lbs.  All fucking muscle...except for the fat.  I'm horrible at fantasy sports.  I'm hella good at real sports.  Fuck you fantasy nerds, you'd die for my glory day, pee wee football scrapbook. That's all the news that's fit to spit....Peace and titties.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

PS........I'm Pstill Psober

Sooooooo anywho, it's been 431 days since I shot my last goofball(Click HERE for definition), and life is good.  But I must admit, life was good while I was out-of-my-fucking-mind.  I guess it's just different.  Calmer.  Steady.  The highs aren't as high, but the lows aren't as low.  My girl is also clean, also in treatment court.  She looks awesome.  I look chubby.  You'd want to pinch my cheek if you saw me.  I am living back  at world headquarters in the beautiful Clover Valley.  Got me a new guitar....
Got Frankie's Pearl drum kit. Put new heads on the bass drum and snare....Still need hi-hats, ride, and crash symbols and stands.....I have a piece of shit bass too.  What I don't have?  Um, inspiration.  No bonghits for this mutherfucker until I graduate drug court. You want some irony? Pot is legal in Washington and I cannot have any.  You say that's not irony, that's coincidence? Fuck off. My sense of humor is not stoned either.  One thing I do have, a world fucking championship!!! Go Hawks! My Marineros are on the cusp of a return to October baseball.  My Dawgs are 3 and oh, and have the best coach in the galaxy. Maiden is thirteen this fall and still kickin'. Deaf as a post. She's sober too.  It feels like I am about to get my mojo back in................216 days. Peace and titties fools, peace and titties.