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Soundclick. Just go to www.soundclick.com/thebannerjump/ and get 'em while they're hot. While you're there check out some classic Supercell. Go on get scootin'. It feels good to do what you're told.

Ahhh, fall is in the air.

My favorite time of year. Misty mornings and sunny afternoons. You dumbfucks that live in hurricane country just don't get it, now do you? We have zero hurricanes. We have very few, very very few, poisonous vermin. Yeah it rains, but that would explain our lush green landscape. Oh sure, I may be chased by a tornado here and there, but we can chalk most of those up to the availability of really good green bud. NO I DON'T MEAN B.C. BUD. In Washington, we call that shit, Bogus Chronic Bud. We just let them fucking canucs pass through to keep the heat off of our boutique grow ops. We keep our holy rolling republicans out of site. We have the strongest state constitution in the country. We don't have dui roadblocks. Not one single Bush family member is from here. The evergreen state kicks ass. Unless you are a hot bitch or a hot cheap ho, stay out. Word.

Wow! Wh,wh,wh,what,what a gr, gr, gr, what a gr,

What a great crowd. Especially the singer from Jesus Fish. The dude is a dead ringer for Wade and Wayne R. It's all captured on video. Special thanks to Hawkeye Longboard for his cinematic aptitude. That was a fucking blast. Stay tuned to brandensbaked for bonus snippits of audio and video.

The Banner Jump

The Banner Jump - J.A. Michaels 10 pm
Friday August 26, 2005

One Hundredth!

Happy hundredth post! Practice went bonerific. H. turns me on. The Banner Jump kicks fucking ass and takes fucking names. Hope to see ya all at the big big big show. Hope to see oodles-O-bitches too. Hope to see some butter too. JimiSings, you too. Hope you fuckers are planning some hard core, reckless moshing! We are playing second, probably around 10-10:30.
Other shit: I finally got my phone. D. is coming Sept 16. Dominated DougJones at Madden last night 70-36. Ruby married JDBoom... Ruby Boom. That is a fucking porn star name if I've ever heard one. Late.
B.

Hump Day

Or for those readers who choose not to work...Dry Hump Day.
Two days until we take the set off some sweet jumps.
My beloved V710 should be here Thursday.
Pat, I accept your apology, and I'm sorry I gave you a swirly. That was uncalled for. At least I should have cleared the bowl first.
Madden update: Hawkeye holds brandensbaked to 37 points. brandensbaked holds Hawkeye to 36.
Iron Maiden calls Ozzfest crowd vile. You guys just don't get it anymore. Time to not play. It was 22 years ago I had my mind blown on the Piece of Mind tour. Now 6,872,346 bonghits later, Iron Maiden are officially old. Yet the Stones push on. Go figure. Bring your Great- granddaughter to the Slaughter. Good thing I sold my soul to the Devil. Peace and titties bitches.

Robertson....

Pat Robertson continues his gangsta style tough love when he announces Hugo Chavez, the commie loving, democratically elected president of Venezuela, should be whacked by U.S. covert ops. Pat, shut your pie hole you little fuck stain. I know fifteen year old girls that would toss your fucking salad, you little bitch. It's like you got skull fucked by Satan and what little brains you had are now running out of your nostrils.
Other news: The cell phone saga continues with the baked one being put on a waiting list like a God damned commoner. Fuck! I'll be sending out smoke signals until my number comes up. Peace. Except for you Pat, you dumb fuck. You need to listen to Monster Magnet. Word.

Clutch

Have you heard Clutch? These mutherfuckers fuck it up. Word.
DANZIG plays the Premier club on 10/04.

I took a personality test...I am

The Hornivore Random Brutal Sex Master (RBSMm) Don't ever marry, you're The Hornivore. Roaming, sexual, subhuman. The Hornivores (you) are some of the most screwed up and naughty beings in the Universe. And their numbers are growing, mostly due to skipped or misused contraception. You care not. There's one thing you want, one sole need. Half manly, half bestial, you act on instinct, and animal charisma smoothes the way. It's unlikely Your exact opposite: The Slow Dancer Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer you're driven by much other than your own selfish, orgasmic requirements. Your appearance and personality have evolved for the hunt. Ass beckons, you oblige. For the record, you can happily bang all personality types, however your match percentages might be low with the kinder, more sensible people of the world, purely because they all wish to avoid you. Good luck to them. "One day, the villagers came with torches to the house. In the smoldering ashes, stray dogs looked for cooked flesh." AVOID: The Priss, The Sonnet CONSIDER: Half-Cocked, Genghis Khunt

Puff Daddy?P Diddy?Diddy?Piddle?

His fucking name sounds like what I'm doing to myself when my hand is in my front pocket, and I have a far off look in my eyes.
What the fuck is with Puffingus Wolfgang Daddyshome? That mutherfucker changes his name more than the Braindarts. More than Musclefuzz. More than ThanxMcDragster.
The fucker is not even a little bit funny. Tom Cruise is funnier. Margarett Cho is funnier. Even the dumbfuck Howard "Oh I'd give you anal" Stern is funnier(barely).
He can't fucking dance without looking retarded, and that mutherfucker couldn't rap a gift. Why is he rich and famous? Well, he's famous cause he is rich and a shameless self promoter. Why is he rich? Fucker.
Diddy just swing his arms back and forth like Barney doing the elephant dance?
Diddy just stink up that nelly single with his faggot ass wankster wap?
I wonder who he blew at MTV? Maybe his road to the top was paved with the sounds of piddle gagging on shlong. He sure ain't no stinking talent scout. Making the band? Nigga pleeeeeeaaaaase.
That fucker should be eating egg shells topped with coffee grounds out of my garbage can. Damn you God!!! Why must you torment me so? Have you no sense of justice?
Suck Daddy, you need to quit recording yourself. Quit finding your way on to TV. Quit changing your suck-ass stupid name. You want to know what's up? I'll tell you what's up.
Listen to MonsterMagnet you talentless fuck!

Listen up! I have an announcement.

The Braindarts were larvae.
"Y" was pupae.
Behold! The fully-formed creature finally emerges as The Banner Jump.
"Y" shall henceforth be known as The Banner Jump.
Please accept my personal invitation and join The Banner Jump. On August 26,
at J.A. Michaels in Port Orchard. Word.

Hawkeye goes off!

Hawkeye explodes for 58 points against brandensbaked! Unfortunately, brandensbaked puts up 90. That's just the way we roll on the West side-O-da lake. Word.
New show date: August 26,2005 @ J.A. Micheals. Groupies needed.
Today marks the beginning of the cycle. The beginning, not the start.
No phone... Resolution tomorrow, I hope.
(y-1)b=The Banner Jump

B.

Oh, it's heating up.

Everytime I see Michelle Malkin talk, I try to block out all of the words and just focus on her pouty lips. She opens her mouth, then kinda wraps her lips over her teeth, ya know, like she is imitating someone with no teeth, then she undulates 'em like the muscles in her digestive tract. If the sound is down, that fucking ho can be purdy hot. But alas, the fantasy is broken when your brain registers what the dumb bitch is spittin. What the fuck is wrong with these fucking lemmings? I find it hard to believe that all republicans think exactly alike. Maybe the assholes killed all the smart G.O.P. members. *turns out lights, then places flashlight under chin shining upward* Or worse..... Perhaps they are aliens, like in The Faculty, a movie in which aliens take over the bodies of all the teachers at a high school. Luckily, an independent thinking young meth dealer is kind enough to use his stash to save the world. See meth is a diuretic, which dries out and kills the evil republicans, oh, I mean aliens. Mmmmmm. Lemme make a couple of phone calls, I'll see if I can round up enough shit to kill all the "aliens".

What to watch!

If you did not catch it last night, The Daily Show was fucking hilarious! Try and watch the replay tonight at 8PM. Texas Scold 'em. Brilliant. Word.

What do silence, river rafting, and Amish girls...

What do silence, river rafting and Amish girls have in common? Me. Yes, me. On Sunday, me and my peeps were doing the dew on the mighty Yakima river, when several things happened. The first was my beloved Motorola V710 fell victim to my stoned-ass attention span. See, I like to keep it in my little pocket on the leg of my denim shorts, it is easy to access, and it doesn't get in the way of my pocket pool. When I waded in balls deep, the phone could only accept it's fate with mute bravery. Now, with no way to contact the world outside of headquarters, I suffer in silence.
While the Amish girls were not in any of my pockets, they did offer an interesting twist to the trip, right around what BooRadly fondly refers to as "Pecker Point". This is a 30 foot tall, towering mass of rock, that begs the drunks to jump. Oh, and the drunks oblige. My posse pulled off at the beach which accesses the rock, to hopefully witness some pain(from guys) or some t&a(from the girls). Thank Allah, we gots both. I sidled up to a fine ass brunette in a bikini to watch the show. Shortly after, a boat load of Amish teens pulled their horse drawn raft over, and a couple of girls in ankle length dresses and bonnets(no shit) began to climb up the rock. I turned to the betty next to me and said, "if that bitch jumps, I'll jump". Well, that bitch fucking jumped. Fuck. Me and my big mouth. So I climbed up and jumped. Nothing bad came of it, except a couple of bruised butt cheeks. Hawkeye soon followed with his trademarked grace(read-went in cockeyed). Now the good part. The hot brunette climbed up the rock, jumped and came out of the water with one mighty fine titty hanging right where brandensbaked likes, out in the fresh air. Mmmmmm. Thanks. If only the camera phone could have lived to share the moment with us. Peace and titties mutherfuckers.

O.K. Stupid

What a fan-fucking-tastic Saturday! Some people say summer is back. Summer never left bitches! It just stayed in bed for a couple of days after partying with brandensbaked and his crew. Check out this site, it is called O.K. Cupid. It is chock fucking full-O-betties! A word of caution though, dykes and queers lurk in the shadowy regions between sexes. Going river rafting Sunday with Hawkeye and DMac? Me too! Wow, what a fucking coincidence. Hawks put the smackdown on the mighty Saints(that's sarcasm for the uninitiated). Speaking of smackdowns, I turned Hawkeye over my knee and paddled his ass till it glowed red in the dark, metaphorically speaking of Madden of course. 'Twas 14-0 at halftime. 21-0 at the end of the third quarter. I was gunning for a shutout, but alas the wiley Hawkeye managed to score on a long pass in the fourth. I denied him the two-point conversion, and scored 14 myself. Final score: brandensbaked 35, Hawkeye Limpdick 6. Now by my calculations, the week ends with brandensbaked scoring 135, Lazyeye Longboard managing just 50 points over three games. Too bad I never get to play the Portland mutherfuckers. Watch your fucking back Butter. Yeah, I'm looking at you, and where the fuck are my Butter trax? Sticky fingered bitches.
Remember Metallica's Garage Days Re-revisited? I busted that shit out, fuck-n-a, that is probably their fourth best album. No, not probably. That is their fourth best album.
1.Kill 'em all
2.Master of Puppets
3.Ride the Lightning
4.Garage Days Re-revisited
See, I told you. When I talk about music you better fucking listen. You'll just end up listening to Staind and Nickelback if you're left to your own devices. NOW LISTEN THE FUCK UP!!!
Listen to MonsterMagnet. Listen to MonsterMagnet. Listen. You cannot listen when you're waiting to speak. Start with Dopes To Infinity.

Thursday Blotter

Well, it looks like summer hit the road. Was it something I said? No, fuck you summer. You are so Goddamn moody and unpredictable. Oh, so it's my fault? I can't wait for fall, at least I can depend on that season. I wonder if summer's on drugs. Oh well, it's out of my hands now.
Wednesday night Madden was a lot like Tuesday's. brandensbaked jumped out to a 14-0 lead by the end of the first quarter. Two plays on offense, two touchdowns. Halftime saw brandensbaked enjoying a 20-6 advantage. By the end of the third, Hawkeye was praying for a miracle, as he was down 28-6. With 2 seconds left in the game, Hawkeye had the ball, but was down 43-18. I was hoping to score fifty, and had said as much, when Longboard gifted me with an interception that I ran back, back, back, and scored with a zero on the clock. After an extra point, I reveled in my own adoration. Final score, brandensbaked 50, Hawkeye Longboard, a limp and shriveled 18.
Other news: Ozzfest today. No, I'm not there. Apparently, I'm here. That sucks. Band practice tonight. That kicks ass. See how I did that? Lemons-lemonade. It's easy. If I could find a way to make pussy out of lemons, I'd be rich, no, I'd be completely buried in citrus scented pussy. Word.

B.

P.S. Meteor shower tonight after midnight!

Fringe

Was I wrong? Felt so right.
In my mind, confusion gathers here.
Simply put, my motives are unclear.
Threads of time, they're weaving into years.

When I'm a wading through the lies,
Some signs of life are hard to come by.
So much to gain by candlelight,
No need to thank me, we're all wasted.
Buried effects of bloody knees.
I'll go to hell, it's cold there right now.
Time's just my chemical mystery.
Hey it's my turn to drive this spaceship!

Lurking is a secret. Everybody wants it, but it keeps on changing, so nobody gets it.
Gimme back my circle. Listen to the lesson. All you dirty people, you're in violation.
You're feeling jaded. Tune in the station. We're all wearing white tongues, in this blotter nation.
You don't have to walk there, just because the shoe fits. Nobody's laughing, 'cause nobody gets it.
Fringe.

Touch me now, if you dare.
Just give in, to desires and to fear.
Let me drink, from the beauty that you bare.
I'm proficient in, in all your evil wares.

Planets align so I can see.
I multiply my will that's melting.
Trippin' to sounds that may not be.
Succumb to death? Now that's not healthy.
Working the room it's sad to see,
Nobody knows they're in the system.
Lonely's a word for privacy.
Clock on the wall, it can't control me.



All rights reserved mutherfuckers.

Madden Update

You may be wondering why we haven't posted the results from last weekend's Madden games. Unfortunately, someone broke into brandensbaked world headquarters and deleted all the game summaries and results. We here at brandensbaked take the law very seriously, and will prosecute any vandals to the fullest extent of the law. I can report however, games resumed Tuesday night. Hawkeye jumped out to a 14-0 first quarter lead over brandensbaked. At the end of the quarter, brandensbaked answered with a 45 yard field goal to make it 14-3. The second quarter saw brandensbaked get his juju back and throw 3 long touchdown passes, followed by 3 two point conversions. Halftime score, brandensbaked 27, Hawkeye 14. The third quarter picked up where brandensbaked left off, passing and running, running and passing, plus a jaw dropping 50 yard field goal. At the end of the third quarter, brandensbaked 37, Hawkeye 20. The fourth quarter contained more bad news for the fans of the Eastsiders. brandensbaked consumed clock like dougjones consumes cocaine, and scored like Eminem at an unsupervised teen night dance. Final score, brandensbaked 50, Hawkeye Longboard 26. Don't hate the player, hate the game. Word.

Other news: Eval got her walking papers! Sloppy work Eval. Sloppy work.
If you are wondering why the Flicker link at the bottom of the page no longer shows my photos, I got the boot. Apparently, I failed to read the user agreement(duh), and I may have violated it's edicts(not to mention many of the laws in the Bible-belt) with my "art". I would like to appologize to anyone who stumbled accross bare breasts, unknowingly, who wished to remain ignorant as to the explanation of the two protruding mounds located chest high on most women(and fat men). We here at brandensbaked try to maintain the high standards set by our journalistic heros, like Bill shoves his own cock up his ass O'Riley, Sean cum guzzlin' till it dribbles down the chin Hannity, and Ann that bitch needs to get fucked properly Coulter. So when I say, "No, fuck you!", I mean it from the bottom of my cold, black heart. Peace,

B.

Many thanks!

To Hawkey and X for the photos. Don't quit your day jobs guys.
Other news...
I'm fucking baked.
I'm bucking faked.
It wipes the smile from my face.
When I step out of line it tends to quicken the pace.
When I hit from the bong it's like the stupid invades.

Photos by Hawkeye Longboard

Photos by X

Played it till my fingers bled. Was the summer of 2005.

Too much machine

trippy isn't it?

So...What's next?

This week we are entering my personal favorite meteor shower, the perseid. Best viewing will be Thursday, Friday and Saturday after midnight. So you fine ladies grab a towel and join me.
Going river rafting Sunday with my boy DMac(f.k.a. "Groper"). Going down the Yakima River.
Used to date a girl from Yakima, got a table dance from her twin sister at Players Club in Tacoma.
I just want to get around share the love share the love. Word.
Again I'd like to shout out to my peeps, thanks for your support.
Wanted to see "The Devil's Rejects", but only one showing at 10:40PM. What the fuck? Guess I'll wait for the DVD.
I'll leave you with a quote:
Super's the way I spend my time
Cells are the building blocks of life
Put 'em together and you get
Strippers and high at 3 AM

The triumphant return of the forgotten vowel...Y

They set us up...We laid em down. Col Kurtz, perfect. American Dream, kick ass. Already There, very strong. Blend, stood out. Peace Pipe Dream, flawless. The Only Way In, the only way to do it. JTrain, welcome to the jungle mutherfuckers. Tsunami, left em homeless, gasping for air. All and all another reason to believe the myth, I am the chosen one. Shout out to my peeps that represented.Heather, though your not privy to my innermost thoughts, you rock. X... What can I say, you are a stand up man(fucker). Hawkeye, you've always been there for me(fucker). Groper, we go so far back, you can pick another nickname if you want. Ricksbaked, you the man. TT boy, your like Lazerus. Joel, you got game. Your woman is a peeeaaach! Nice work. 2Lo, you get a pass cause you got fuckin brass balls(and a birthday party to attend at Chucky Cheese, who incidentally, has fur covered brass balls). Now for you fucking no-shows, you can all get busy on the snotty end of my fuck stick. You will recieve a zero for the day. You're lower than, well, how low is whale shit? Mick, you need to quit bitchin. God damn, you can't have it both ways. Seriously, I thought we were cool. Just me?
I'm the kind of guy that says, "viciouspuddin is delicious".
BooRad, Rantall, Heather and Junger- Thanks! I had a fucking blast...Prost!
B.

Guest Columnist

2Lo here bringing you the Daily Baked!

HEAD LINES NEWS......

2 men, one Caucasian and Hispanic driving 2 separate vehicle, same color last seen heading North bound around 11:AM. These men are considered armed and dangerous and may attack at a moments notice. Rumor has it they are heading to the Long Lake area.

In Sport's

X brought his game 2LO was 5-0 until I crossed the Washington boarder to go home 5-2 rrrrrrrrrr
I have yet played the bake master himself but the time is near I feel. "FUCK" well looks like X has claimed another victory.

Entertainment

2HI,2LO and X play longest jam session ever recorded. The members of Super Cell were reunited with the added effects of Butter.

Weather

HOT and sunny.

2LO
OUT

The Side.....

The sideburns were hung by my earlobes with care. Right hand cocked. Left hand loaded.
Lets do dis....