Unique views on music, politics, life.

Brandensbaked...The Id of a dude in upper left 'Merica. Trump hater! The creative force behind "American Supercell", a BIG DEAL in the Clover Valley music scene, played guitar in "Bonedawgs", "Banner Jump", and "Musclefuzz". Is proficient in all the manly arts, such as creating art, constructing useful things, mechanics, combat gardening, and respecting women. Possibly an immortal...Time will tell.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Happy B-Day Hawkeye!!!

Hawkeye is thirteen thousand, one hundred and forty-nine days old today.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Are You Lost Ma'am?

I usually reserve the porno revue for my paying members. Since jr bush has the world humming along like a Swiss watch, I'm using money for toilet paper. So here is a freebee.
18 and Lost In San Francisco- 18 year old girls from all over the country are losing their hearts and much, much more in San Francisco. Our story follows a group of them who are determined to dominate the boys with their young, restless bodies. Featuring Kristina Black, Jubilee and Taylor Rain. I rate this porno a single thumb up. The highest we have. Perfect tits. Splendid ass. GTG.*



*Good to go.

Yeah right.

As I listened to jr bush drone on about the wonderful state of Iraq's well trained, 165000 strong, U.S. supplied military force, I wondered if it were comprised of the same proud men that turned tail in nearly every military encounter since they invaded Kuwait. Wow, I'll bet the insurgents are hanging their collective heads', knowing peace is imminent.
As the news continues to point to China's growing economy as the major source of new oil demand, which results in higher prices, I wonder how much gas we are using while chasing insurgents in Iraq? Peace...Please?

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Metaphors Movies and Mescaline

  • Queen
  • Queensryche
  • Queens of the Stone Age
All good bands. All male bands. Only one confirmed gay guy, Freddy(RIP), as far as I know. Is there an alternate meaning of the word "queen" that some how escaped the grasp of my Oxford English Dictionary? The only time queen's not explicitly female, is when it's defined in the context of chess, then it means "the second most powerful piece". Though, in my opinion, the queen is the most powerful piece in chess, the second most important. Hmmm. Maybe we are on to something here. No, not the reason all these dudes have queen in their band's name, but a formula "chess x dictionary =epiphany" for understanding queens. Last night, after the dust had settled from the Madden2005, me and BooRadly were discussing metaphors, as they relate to artsy movies and books. I must admit, many of them are lost on me, if they really exist at all. In "The Great Gatsby", a book I read in ninth grade American Literature, experts believe they've uncovered many hidden metaphors that Fitzgerald used to critique American society. Um yeah, okay(rolling my eyes)that makes sense. When I read it, the story was about these dudes, who are all chasing pussy, and the shenanigans that resulted. That is definitely art imitating life, not really a metaphor. To be fair, my I.Q. is only 144, so I may have been distracted by shiny objects. I do know this, problems always start when there are more dudes than pussy, or dudes hoggin pussy, or pussy changing dudes. This is a fact. Word. No metaphor needed, but a sword comes to mind. True dat. We were also discussing the movie "Apocalypse Now", which I found to be very confusing. Isn't there a shorter/safer route into Cambodia? Maybe it's a metaphor for the confused policy followed by the U.S. during the Vietnam war. Whatever. Dude got some pussy from that French bitch. Plus, she loaded tokes. Perhaps recognizing hidden symbolism is tied to each individuals ratio of analytical to emotional brain function. Mine definitely tilts towards the analytical, and the emotional is often lost on me. On the other hand, it could all be a steaming pile of bullshit, to make tough people feel stupid. Further study using psychoactive drugs can reveal perspectives previously unnoticed, thus expanding the range of the investigation.* Drugs, used as tools, segues nicely into another movie we talked about,"Brazil". We watched this gem, high as hell on LSD, back in the early 90's. Or was it mescaline? It could have been Blue-Ringers. Either way, "Brazil" is a trippy-assed fucking movie. Chock full of symbolism, metaphors, and other psycho-prismatic hullabaloo, meant to enhance drug-induced larger mindedness. In conclusion, symbolism can make your art valued by scholars and trippers alike, but for more widespread appeal, gratuitous sex and nudity are enjoyed by everyone, even drug free weirdos. Word. In other news...Butter is spread all over the west coast. Hawkeye Longboard turns 36 on Wed. The Groper is returning from Iraq alive and in one piece(praise Allah!). Here is a novel written without ever using the letter "e". Poppies are blooming. Sun is shining. Birds are singing. Cash money plays, bitches. Peace.

*Can also lead to confusion, misunderstandings, and paranoid delusions.

Friday, June 24, 2005

ahhhhhhnalogy

This country is like a 1977 centerfold....Way too much bush

They Should Have Asked Me...

Ricky Williams should have asked me before he quit pro football to smoke pot.
Jack Kavorkian should have asked me, "Go for the fame and glory, or lay low killing them softly?"
Bill Clinton should have asked me, "Is a pearl necklace an appropriate gift for my intern?"
Dwayne Hully should have asked me, "Is home-invasion armed robbery economicly viable long term?"
Def Leppard should have asked me, "What's lamer than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest?"
My "friends" should have asked me, "Would you marry her mother, dumbass?"
Marc Pacheco should have asked me, "Should I try to be the man?"
Leather should have asked me, "Are you just saying that so I'll sleep with you?"

Thursday, June 23, 2005

This is Faith.


Mmmm Nice posture. Conveys acquiescence. Posted by Hello

I Wish.....

I Wish- is a new feature that I thought might help you, the brandensbaked groupie, to marvel at my wonderful dream filled world. I wish Bill Clinton would give Ann Coulter a facial, live, on the Hannity and Colmbs show. Sean would be absentmindedly touching himself, while Allen marveled slack-jawed as the Democratic icon demonstrated the industry standard. Ann, here is a moist towlette from my bucket-o-chicken, we're done with you. No, you can't talk about your book, unless someone else needs a target, get your clothes and hit the road. No,we'll call you. Yes, you are a cum guzzling gutter slut. You have something on your....No, lower. No, over in the corner, yeah, on your lip. You got it. Here's ten for a cab. Thanks for your, uh, skills. I wish Bill Clinton got away with his indiscretions. I wish lil Bush would just fuck himself, and leave us out of it. I wish I were president, no wait, the King of North America. I wish Bill O'Riley would die slowly of painful testicular cancer. I wish they would finish the x files right, and Scully would finally take her shirt off. I wish Janet Jackson's boob popped out at half time of every Superbowl. I wish the Bush twins lived next door to me. Hot twins are my kind of coincidence. Word. Shannon & Charron. Heather & Belinda. Carol & Camie. I wish all hot chicks had twins, or trip- trip- triplets, and I wish all the ugly girls would turn Muslim and cover their unattractive heads the fuck up. I wish I had enough hot twins to completely cover me in titty skin. Remember Easy Rider had the earmuff picture, but the muffs were tits? Classic. Globes of flesh. I wish there were other news. Hey it worked. In other news....
Sam Long is pregnant. Mike quit Y. There is no "Y" in team. There is no "Y" in brandensbaked, but is there brandens baked in "Y"? Ozzfest is Aug. 11. Me and Mike went to the first Ozzfest at the Tacoma Dome in 1996. One word- DANZIG! I have finished the Charvel/Jackson I've been working on for four years. It is my legacy. Dropped an EMG-81 in the bridge position. I also tune down one half step, but I'll tune to "E" for "Y"! "K"? I just thought of an other recurring- feature I can do: They Should Have Asked Me. Stay tuned...

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

What the fuck?

In the beginning, good always overpowered the evils of all mans sins, but in time the nations grew weak, and our cities fall to slums while evil so strong. In the depths of hell of the blackest of hate, for he who you fear awaits you. Now many many lifetimes later, lay destroyed, deep and down. Only the corpses of rebels, ashes of dreams and blood stained streets. It has been written that those who are the youth have the future, so come now children of the beast, be strong, and shout at the Devil.

Duuuuuuuude! Thiiiiiiinnnnnk about it. Vince is gonna walk right up, real close, in Satan's face, and like go "MOTLEY!!!!!!!!" as fuckin loud as he can. Fuck yeah. In your mutherfuckin face mutherfucker! Fuuuuuuuuck Youuuuuuuu!
Rock fuckin on Vince. You fuckin ROCK(I am making devil horns with right hand, tongue fully extended, like the bastard son of Gene Simmons and Ronnie James Dio, while eating barbecue sauce-slathered chicken strips with the left).
Don't even get me started on all the, ya know, deeper and like, hidden meanings. Fuck. Deeeeeep. If you play the record backwards, ya know, like, high on weed, you can hear this little chipmunk voice say....."Vince is fat Vince is fat Vince is fat" I know back then he must have had, like, satanic powers and stuff, because he made make-up and leather pants look tough. Tell em what's up with the name dudes. We are a gang of ne'er-do-wells and scallywags. We scoff at your conventional gender roles, look down our make-up covered noses at your leatherless wardrobes, and we ROCK! Do you remember? Well I remeeeeemberer. It sucks to be irrelevant. Peace....

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Crazy? Pt. 2: Voices in my house/head

They try to go unnoticed, which makes them conspicuous. Muttering under breath while walking away. Chicken shit. Always commenting, complaining, lamenting, never satisfied. You go in the living room, they're in the bedroom. You go in the bedroom, they move to the kitchen. You want peace....they implore you to avenge the treason uncovered during your sleep deprived investigation. I don't even own a pool. In other news, a tornado passed near the house around 9:50 pm. Sounded like a freight train- looked dark, like smoke from a tire fire. I couldn't see the funnel, but the supercell scared the hell out of me. I'll never forget the terrifying sound of destruction(dramatic, isn't it). I wonder... Was it meant for me? Naaaaaaw. I don't live in a trailer, why would a tornado think it could get to me? Maybe it was nothing... What? Show yourself coward!

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Crazy? Pt.1:Path Etiquette

When taking the path less traveled, one may be inclined to act as if this route renders you anonymous. NOT always true. There are routes that run parellel, and in sight of the masses. Drunks, you know what I mean. Passing out on the shitter with your ass unwiped and your pants around your ankles is a nice example(SadJohn!). Puking on anything insight of witnesses(all of us). The kicker here - the witness. Be it human or technology. Each has it's ups and downs. Mainly downs. Let this be a reminder to me: do your own thing, whatever that may be, but remember- dude- u r fucked up, so shut up and stay away from the phone till the storm passes. Hmmm. Or don't leave any witnesses. Sorry. Peace....
P.S. In other news- this long cycle ended today.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Welcome back mutherfucker

Well well well, Henzos rollin in the benzo. Long time girl, minor legal setbacks, . I guess 400+ volts sets all your bodily functions loose. Watch that fucking elbow. Me and Killa will be settin em up and knockin em down in P town soon, strippers be with you....In other news, me ankle is finally showing signs of recovery. The Cock-fu keeps you in fighting shape. Also of note- I've behaved abhorently. Thanks for perspective VP! Evil walks beside you.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

X and 2Lo= Butter

Good luck fellas. Maybe, if your hearts are true, you can do beats for MC Popcorn. Mmmmm, buttered popcorn! In other news.... Don't trust anyone.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Bullshit- no way man

The mutherfuckers who keep saying that "mutt made def what they are today" should finish with "comma fucking faggots." High and Fucking Dry. Enough said. Word. If I see mutt near def, I'll spray the fucker with the hose. High and Dry. Word.