The random musings of an underexposed artistic genius

brandensbaked was born in the year of revolution, during an undisclosed "free love" decade. His views were formed at the alter of "hair metal" and by parents that were too lazy to force religious beliefs on his impressionable mind...It's sad really. He had to form his own views. Brandensbaked is the creative force behind "SuperCell" a BIG DEAL in the Clover Valley music scene, played guitar in "Bonedawgs" , "Banner Jump", and "Musclefuzz". He is proficient in all the manly arts, like construction, mechanics, and combat gardening. Possibly an immortal...Time will tell.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Hawks get healthy and I get laid...

Well, it was ugly.  That statement is true for the Seahawks and for me and Valerie.  We both realized it was time for rededicating ourselves to the fundamentals.  The Seahawks and I, not Valerie.  So, the Hawks got back to the run, and I got back to hitting on any girl I like, knowing the numbers would favor me sooner or later.  Oh, sure, I struck out a few times before I made solid contact(baseball analogies work better for chick stories), but eventually I drove one out of the park.  Is she crazy?  Bat shit.  Does that make for better sex?  You better believe it.  Do I ask too many rhetorical questions?  Probably. Will I please stop?  For now.  In other news, my Dawgs got beat again.  My fantasy football team got tuned up big time.  In cooking news, I made a chorizo and cheese omelet that was fucking awesome.  Sometimes you gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet. Actually every time. Without eggs it's something else entirely.  Any who, in da weather, last night was a hella wind storm. Lightning and rain and power outages.  Oh my!  Today was a nice October day, sunny and 60*.  Kind of like my betty situation, yesterday was crap, today sunny.  Life is like that.  AA zombies will tell you that's God in action.  Bullshit. Brandensbaked will tell you that your brain has been fine tuned over millions of years to look for patterns, so patterns are what you see.  Who is right?  I guess there's no way to tell until you die, and there in lies the rub. At least with my theory you get to stay off of your knees.  I suggest you think it through and make up your own fucking mind you God damned lemming.  Peace and titties fools.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Gods and Punks

If anyone has been following "Gamergate", you've no doubt heard about these spineless fucks, who, from their parents basements, threaten female-rights advocates.  They mercilessly harass any female who puts forth ideas that threaten the status quo, as far as females being portrayed as helpless, sexy, playthings, that need to be rescued by the male archetype superhero(nerds on an Xbox).  Now if you read my blog, and I hope you do, you know that I objectify women.  In my reality, which I create, women are sexy, dumb, and horny.  I also fantasize that sooner or later these horny women will probably need some kind of rescue.  Hopefully by yours truly.  Hopefully followed by steamy, kinky sex.  With me.  I don't begrudge the "gamers" this world view.  The problem arises when one of these females has an opinion that differs from the "gamers".  Now, when I offend one of these independent, strong-willed women, I expect to be ruthlessly spanked and forced to lick their leather stilettos. Hand-cuffed to a giant wheel, I soon regret my sins. These socially retarded trolls however, use their advanced interweb skills to reveal sensitive personal information of the outspoken women, like addresses and social security numbers.  The goal is to silence these dissenters, and any other women who may be thinking of speaking out, by making them fear for their personal safety.  These chickenshit, anonymous punks hide behind screen names, like, "gamerfag69", or "joystickmick", while the courageous women they harass have the balls to publish under their true identity.  Well let me just say this, I am willing to beat any of these threatening trolls half to death in exchange for sex with the fine assed female being harassed. You punks might run the interweb, but real life is my domain. Peace and titties fools.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Seahawks to appear on Maury....

Jesus.  I was led to believe that my Hawks were mentally bulletproof.  I must admit, the Percy Harvin trade felt like a punch in the gut.  Things seemed to get worse by the day.  Now, peoples tongues are wagging 'bout my main man, Russell Wilson.  Is he black enough?  I'm not willing to risk letting him loose in the streets of Ferguson that's for sure.  He is well spoken.  Does that make him un-black?  Or does that threaten the Ebonics speaking  thugs.  I don't know, nor do I give a fuck.  What I care about is WINS.  Let's put this petty bullshit behind us and put a beat down on Carolina.  That will be the salve on this herpe of a week.  Any who, in other news, I got a new Tivo HD DVR tuner today and it rocks.  I'm getting all of the channels.  All of them. Shhhhhhh. Don't tell anyone, y'hear?  In voting news, I turned in my ballot.  Voted DEMOCRAT all the way across.  Fuck you republican cunts.  In weather, HOLY SHIT A TORNADO TOUCHED DOWN IN WASHINGTON!!!!! You're all caught up on the news that's fit to spit.....Peace and titties fools.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Seahawks Enrolled In Special Ed

The Rams special teams did in the Hawks, single-handedly back handing the champs who were handed their second straight loss.  Also, my reign as the worst fantasy football manager evah, yeah, that's still intact.  My UW Huskies got their asses kicked.  SK Wolves are horrible.  Enough football.  The weather? Fan-fucking-tastic. Sunny and 66*.  In my old life, I would be trimming up some huge kolas of some super fine Frieze.  I used to grow one out back by the bamboo every summer, and get about a pound of kind nugs yo.  In my new life, I'm growing bored.  I have way over a pound of that shit too yo.  I have to go to 3 AA or NA meetings every week. Weak.  Ever seen the movie "Fight Club"?  Well, I'm about to break the rules, and talk about "Fight Club".  Remember when Ed Norton Jr. can't sleep?  He starts going to all those 12 step meetings?  Yeah, that's exactly what a lame ass 12 step meeting is like, without all the editing.  Punishing.  Cult.  Brainwashing.  Reprogramming.  Well, this mutherfucker can reprogram his-self. I don't buy into all Bill W..hatever his name is's bullshit.  But, I signed on for this, so I will see it through.  That is the kind of stand up mutherfucker I am.  186 days until I get my mojo back.  Peace and titties.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Remember The End Of The World....

That never showed....12-12-12?  Better late than never eh?  As the new Ebola infections reach 10000 per week, that post-apocalyptic wasteland we were promised is closer than ever!  Time to dust off the bio suit and re-stock the bomb shelter with top ramen.  I like a half of a cup of frozen corn and a scrambled egg dropped in my ramen to make a fun and easy meal for around 1 dollar. I am also accepting applications for breeders to help create the workforce we will need to rebuild.  You know I like to keep a positive attitude, so here are some benefits to the coming pandemic....The weight I've gained looks like a survival strategy.  The population retraction will reduce greenhouse gasses.  I won't have to go to those fucking AA meetings.  My crappy credit score won't matter.  And finally, the best reason to embrace the Ebola epidemic? The fall of the corporate elite and the destruction of their lackeys, our shitty government!  Check back often for survival tips and all the news that's fit to spit.